What recruitment looks like
First, sow confusion about vague, indefinable, entirely subjective interpretation of self-states. Reiterate that this vague, indefinable, entirely subjective experience is THE MOST IMPORTANT FORM OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE THERE IS, the most important thing about you, the essence of who you truly are. Constantly prompt young people to make self-declarations to this end (“Hi, I’m Jake, and my pronouns are… fluctuating?”).
Next, precipitate identity crisis that, once initiated, can only be satisfactorily resolved in one way:
Someone pls convince me I'm not trans and I shouldn't transition
I kind of just cracked the egg or whatever you guys say. I just turned 19 and feel like this is going to ruin my life. My face is so masculine (roman nose, sharp face) and I feel like it would take so much money and time to be female passing. Also I can't imagine the disappointment my friends and family are gonna feel about it. I mean they're all fairly liberal, but still. I've always been a masculine presenting person, playing a bunch of sports, very in shape, low voice, hairy, etc. I'm the only male in my family generation (11 female siblings and cousins) so everyone, especially my grandparents will be disappointed. I just can't imagine a world were this isn't delusion and transitioning actually goes well. Pls help, I feel like my whole reality is collapsing on me right now. I just really need someone to talk to
You can question the motivations of someone who posts a question like this to a community like r/asktransgender. Is he really looking for a way out or is he looking for permission?
But let’s take him at his word when he pleads “convince me I’m not trans and I shouldn’t transition.” He’s voicing realistic fears (he’ll never pass and he doesn’t want to sink time and money into trying, his family and friends may not support his decision) and offering alternative explanations for why he feels the way he does (it’s a delusion). He also expresses extreme psychological vulnerability (“I feel like my whole reality is collapsing on me right now”) and isolation (he doesn’t seem to have anyone offline he can talk to about this).
How does the very supportive and always responsible online trans community respond?
Well if you're trans, you're trans. No way around that. However, just because you are doesn't mean you're obligated to transition. If you think you would be happier with your life continuing as is then you're free to do so.
This is just my opinion but I would advise living your life for you, not for others. Living your life in a way solely to please others is often a road to unhappiness. If you truly want to transition, do it for yourself. Your loved ones will find a way to deal with that. And if they can't then why would you want to live your life to appease people who can't appreciate the true you?
Trans is simply something you are (or aren’t) and there’s nothing you can do it, served with a side of ‘why not ditch your hypothetically unsupportive loved ones?’
This is a bad idea. We can't tell you if you are trans or not trans - nobody can. That's not how it works. It is up to you.
Anyone convincing you of your identity should be ignored. They want what's best or easiest for them - not what's best for you.
You may wish to look for other unresolved psychological issues that may be causing something that appears similar to dysphoria / euphoria and other trans feelings. But do [sic] suppressing who you are is a bad idea and will only lead to way more misery in the long run.
We can’t tell you if you are trans or not but suppressing who you are [you’re trans] is a bad idea and will only lead to way more misery in the long run.
You feel the way you do because you’re suppressing yourself now. That will only get worse the more you suppress yourself [a.k.a., the longer it takes you to accept the inevitable and come out as trans].
From your comments, you do sound trans, but only you can know that through introspection. Fighting it will only delay the inevitable, and it'll make your life painful.
Well, Gender dysphoria does not go away. You can fight it forever but you will always have to deal with it.
This feeling will never, ever go away. The future will be just an extension of the torment of the present until/unless you decide to transition. There are no other ways to deal with these feelings and no other explanations of why you might feel this way.
I'm certainly not going to try and convince you that you aren't trans, or that you shouldnt transition. I will say that I wish I had been able to start at 19 and not 40.
There is hope though. You are 19, transitioning so young will work incredibly well for you. I would die to go back to 18/19 to transition.
I’d give anything to have transitioned earlier—when I was your age, say.
Actually, seeking out hypermasculine activities is a coping method that many other women in that situation use to try to suppress themselves out of fear of rejection. So that's not the point you think it is...
Let me detonate whatever solid ground you were standing on in your effort to resist what you worry might be a delusion.
[Also: you feel bad because you are in denial just like “many other women.”]
You came here for something no one can give you. Please try to stay safe but you cannot unsprout a seedling. Take care of it instead because it needs love
We can’t tell you you’re not trans because you’re trans. Don’t stomp on the beautiful seedling.
Um deep inside u know the truth! Its scary but we have all been through that u will get over it eventually
Join us. It’s inevitable!
Circular logic. Inevitability. Doubt as proof rather than as evidence to the contrary.
Although many of the victims of this cult will leave it, many never will. It’s hard to break through that stuff.
My 85 year old father, I just saw on social media, held a “New Year’s” celebration last September to celebrate his long dead guru’s “ revelation.” It’s been nearly 60 years since he joined his cult. Despite the cult no longer functioning as a distinct organization, he carries on.
You know, with the first couple people you quoted I was actually feeling some hope. There are actually, in my opinion, some really important signs of some real, if early, attempts at critical thinking there! Unfortunately, the rest of the comments you quoted showed none of that, and were pretty awful.
But, I would like to highlight a few things about the first two that I found actually somewhat hopeful:
"However, just because you are doesn't mean you're obligated to transition. If you think you would be happier with your life continuing as is then you're free to do so."
-this, to me, is a massive first step for anyone. Really, imo, it's less important how one chooses to label themselves in their head. The number one most important thing for someone in the position of the person who asked the initial question, is that they NOT rush into medical transition that is harmful and not reversible, or even social transition that has major consequences. Avoiding taking those steps can actually allow the person time to mature and work through their issues, whatever they may be.
"You may wish to look for other unresolved psychological issues that may be causing something that appears similar to dysphoria / euphoria and other trans feelings."
-oh. my. God. I am so, so hopeful to see such a statement on a trans message board! While it's not exactly a strong opinion, it does leave the door open for the reader to realize that something else just might be going on other than being trans for life, and that's it's okay to explore such issues, and to wait to transition while you do so! To me that is HUGE if we're talking about preventing harm to people, and preventing them, especially someone of this age (19), from making decisions that will change the course of their lives and make their trans identity more difficult to put down. Again, it's a crucial first step.
People rarely change all at once (though there are plenty of exceptions to that). They typically change gradually by taking small steps toward their destination. And I think that these two little pieces of advice are actually small-or even medium size-steps in the right direction. At the very least they aren't steps in the wrong direction, which is also important.
"Anyone convincing you of your identity should be ignored. They want what's best or easiest for them - not what's best for you"
-this one I think could cut both ways. I think it's worthwhile to reread that first sentence. While it certainly could add fuel to a fire meant to alienate loved ones strictly over their questioning a trans identity, it could also plant a seed in the mind of the OP, if he is sincere in his doubts and questions, to think for himself. To be a bit suspicious of the comments you quoted later in your post, that are telling him that he is trans and it won't go away. Again, it just might end up being a tiny step in the direction of really exploring himself, as opposed to leaning on empty assurances from others that "you're trans and it won't change ever". I realize that may be a long shot, but those words in italics still stood out to me.
Like I said, I actually saw little reasons to be hopeful at the beginning there. Then it just got worse and worse... But still, I think it's a good thing that there are at least a few people out in the trans webworld who are saying it's okay not to transition even if you view yourself as trans, it's okay or even good to explore other psychological issues that may look like trans...heck, I actually think it's huge that they would even admit that it's possible that that could happen! So while it appears that there is a whole lot of crap advice out there, I'm actually pleased to see a few little chinks of light showing through the walls.