"To exclude me from potentially being a danger to women... is transphobic"

It turns out nothing-means-anything upside-down-and-backwards funhouse-mirror land is a disorienting place where children and young people go to make often irreversible decisions that will affect the rest of their lives.

“How did you know you were trans and not nonbinary?,” one young woman asks. Within the confines of the belief system, this is an important question (without: senseless, pure fantasy of the time-traveling, planet-hopping variety). “What if I don't want to look like a guy but don't like they/them?”

then you might be nonbinary but use prounouns other than they/them. why not? it's not that unusual

What does looking like a guy mean to you?

Do you want to pass as male without losing things most people see as feminine? (Like in terms of expression; long hair, makeup, blouses / nails)

Or do you not want to pass as male at all and be seen as androgynous?

Which pronouns are working for you rn if any at all?

you can be a guy that looks androgynous, or you could be non-binary but use only he/him pronouns, gender identity is funky

Pronouns don't necessarily correlate to gender. You could (for arguments sake) still like how she/her sounds but still be non binary, or trans masc or whatever. Non binary people TEND to like they/them, and trans guys TEND to like he/him, but only cisness has strict rules. Transness is everything else. The universe is your oyster.

Those aren’t mutually exclusive

Trans means anyone who isn't cis, it doesn't mean man or woman. So nonbinary people are trans.

Nonbinary doesn't mean not having a gender. It means being something other than exclusively male or female. Nonbinary people could be both, or neither, or something else entirely. There are tons of nonbinary genders.

Non-binary transmasc here. I knew I was non-binary because I don’t feel like a man or a woman. I knew I was transmasc because I feel most comfortable presenting masculine and wearing “men’s clothes” and also have bottom dysphoria. I know I’m not binary trans because I have no desire to be seen or gendered as a man. That said, I’d much prefer that to being gendered as a woman.

I came out as agender about 6 months before I came out as a guy. I tried out different pronouns for awhile, tried my name. I think a key part for me was figuring out how I'd like to be perceived by others and how I'd like to introduce myself. Did I want people to think I'm a man or did I want people to think I'm neither?

Also honestly I found it to be pretty unhelpful to try to define my transition with a gender label. It felt like a commitment. Instead it's probably gonna be more effective to just choose what changes you'd like to make and then pursue them one step at a time.

Like does it matter if you're a man or nonbinary if you want top surgery? Does it matter if you want T? Does it matter if you change your pronouns? No, not really. Just do what you want and eventually you'll settle into a term (or multiple terms) that feel comfortable for you.

Hell, you can be a nonbinary man.

I'm mostly enby, but in a boy way. I always knew my body was supposed to be a boy body, but I still don't feel gender the way most people do. I dress whatever way I want, express myself as I see fit, but still want and need a boy body.

There’s an insecurity here: what does it mean to be X if X means something to different to everyone who claims it? How would I know if I were X? What does it mean to ‘belong’ to such a borderless category?

Keep going down this road and you may one day find yourself arguing with your girlfriend that it’s transphobic and deeply invalidating not to consider you—a woman who identifies as a man—a “danger to women”:

most of her friends are cis het, with a few gay men sprinkled in and the exception of a very close childhood friend who has been out as trans and cis passing for about 10 years. he was prob part of the reason she was so informed prior to dating me, but i digress. last night we had some of her friends over. 2 cis het women, and one of their husbands. i’d met the couple a number of times but the other friend only once. all these people have known me as trans, they didn’t know me at all pre-T. so we’re all hanging out having a good time and the single friend (we’ll call her Alison) makes a comment about women being afraid when walking to their cars at night etc etc and turns to the cis guy (“john”) and says “you know, men, john!” making a joke bc apparently john in the only man in the room!!! there was a second comment made about dating, and again about men where only john was acknowledged and looked directly at. on one hand, i get it, i too was afraid of men walking to my car when i was identifying as a woman (i came out as trans at 33, i’m almost 36 now). so i can understand on some level acknowledging the cis man who didn’t have those experiences, but it totally invalidates me for obvious reasons.

fast forward to the end of the night. they leave and i obviously address this with my partner. her initial inclination is to defend said friend, saying she didn’t mean it, she’s not transphobic, she can understand bc i was socialized as a woman, and bc she’s only dated cis men that’s the examples she uses when talking about dating. however john isn’t the only man in the room, and while i may not be cis, to exclude me from potentially being a danger to women, or when talking about dating men, is transphobic. eventually, she stopped defending her and apologized and understood, and said she was willing to have a sit down w the friend. was very validating of my experience after talking more.

my problem lies in the hesitation my partner had when i explained why grouping trans men in a different category than cis men is problematic, even if we could relate at some point in our lives. she later redacted it and was very apologetic, but i didn’t forget it and i’m having trouble moving on. i didn’t expect her to have, what feels like, a “man-lite” view and i don’t know what to do. i also feel like said friend, while uneducated, clearly just doesn’t view trans men in the same category as cis men as a whole.

help?

In the comments section, the poster keeps flailing:

i did start off by saying my feelings were hurt, but then i felt like we were entering some borders of transphobia and i got pretty upset. i don’t think my gf is transphobic in any way, but i do think she views trans men in situations where cis men could be predators, as not belonging to that mindset. it’s both true, we probably aren’t bc of our AGAB, but it’s also subscribing to the “men-lite” narrative that i really don’t like.

in my examples of the post, like who’s to say that a trans guy doesn’t have the ability to be a danger to women any more or less than a cis man? 

The idea that trans men can't be dangerous because we're "female socialised" (an alternative to saying biologically female) is transphobic. The counterpoint is that trans women are "male socialised" (read: biologically male) and thus sexual predators. And it precludes the idea of female abusers entirely, ironically making victims and potential victims less safe. We accept that trans men are men and we know we aren't predisposed toward violent sexual assault AND we recognise as transphobic the claim that all trans women who who went through a masculine childhood/puberty/young adulthood are sexual predators. Perhaps what we need to do is to counter the foundational belief that masculinity is essentially predatory and further the claim that men as a gender class aren't natural predators. The idea that men are especially predatory Just Because They're Men (because: penis, or because: testosterone, or because: the essential masculine soul) is the first baby step towards accepting transphobia, and - for us - that manifests as treating us as "men lite".

This belief system unhinges people. Imagine arguing this. Imagine insisting that women view you, too, as a “danger,” a potential predator, and that anything less than the equitable extension of fear and suspicion disrespects and invalidates you.