A common fantasy among autogynephilic men centers on sleepovers, the ‘girlhood’ these men never experienced, of which they consider themselves robbed. Supposedly, we bodies with vaginas sat around in our panties giggling and painting each other’s fingernails and breaking into scantily-clad pillow fights.
My daughter went through a similar childhood. The boys were more accepting of her than were the girls, which may have contributed to her having gender dysphoria at age ten. She desisted and eventually changed schools and found social acceptance by the end of high school; however, from my perspective, it took letting go of some of her quirky interests and hiding some of her intelligence to gain more friends. You deserve respect for not selling out in any way.
Eliza, I don’t have any idea of how old you are, what you do for a living, whether you are still light as a feather or as a pre pubescent girl who loves books but I think everything you write is spot on. This blog made me laugh and smile and I have just handed it to my 93-year old partner (male) who loved it too. You are keeping me sane with the trans blogs. Just keep going wonderful you!
Gosh, that's a really interesting point. For some time it has seemed to me that the transgender version of womanhood has always been a bit Petit Trianon - all dressing-up and sexiness, and no periods and harassment. But I don't think I'd thought of the imagined perfect female - or feminine - solidarity, before. Perhaps it's those of us who, despite actually being female, haven't had that experience of girlhood, who are the most cynical about womanhood as a fun role you play, rather than as a physiological reality.
I love this piece because I so relate! My mother didn't allow me to have a Barbie in the 1960s--she thought those hard plastic boobs were inappropriate for a kid. But I did have a Skipper whose hair was similarly butchered and torched over the years. There was some primal girl aggression and fury unleashed on Skipper that I still don't really understand. Maybe she couldn't be who I wanted her to be with that perpetual frozen smile--just like I couldn't be cool enough to fit in as I started to hit puberty. I related to this line: "You even develop some healthy contempt for approval purchased on false terms." Like you imply Eliza, that steeling some of us nerd girls learned as we escaped into books instead of conforming serves us well in this moment when some of our grownup "girlfriends" would rather we didn't think clearly and speak the truth.
The ending here is a bit depressing. Are you referring to a cost you are paying among former friends for having this Substack? I hope you find better friends. Usually as adults it is possible to find your tribe if you look
"Sleepovers" are something I don't remember existing when I was an adolescent in the 1970s - are they new, is it something only girls do, is it something more common outside the UK, or was I just too uncool to be invited :-D ?
More relevant, perhaps, is that it was quite a revelation when I realised that I compartmentalise my life a lot - probably part of my ASD. Essentially, I have five categories - close family, more distant family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Each group has is own set of things I'm willing to give them access to, and only very rarely does anyone cross from one group to another. I loathe things like parties where friends and family get together. This has some negative effects - I have always had trouble remaining in one job for any length of time because lines start to get blurred, for example - but it has made it remarkably easy to avoid falling into socialised group-think. It has - coming back to the theme Eliza set - meant that I have avoided several "sleepovers", both one-to-one and group, that would have been a very bad idea. I now have to find a way to manage my daughter's expectations of such things, because I regard them, as Eliza alludes to, as nothing more than opportunities for excluding those who do not comply with group-think.
My daughter went through a similar childhood. The boys were more accepting of her than were the girls, which may have contributed to her having gender dysphoria at age ten. She desisted and eventually changed schools and found social acceptance by the end of high school; however, from my perspective, it took letting go of some of her quirky interests and hiding some of her intelligence to gain more friends. You deserve respect for not selling out in any way.
Eliza, I don’t have any idea of how old you are, what you do for a living, whether you are still light as a feather or as a pre pubescent girl who loves books but I think everything you write is spot on. This blog made me laugh and smile and I have just handed it to my 93-year old partner (male) who loved it too. You are keeping me sane with the trans blogs. Just keep going wonderful you!
Gosh, that's a really interesting point. For some time it has seemed to me that the transgender version of womanhood has always been a bit Petit Trianon - all dressing-up and sexiness, and no periods and harassment. But I don't think I'd thought of the imagined perfect female - or feminine - solidarity, before. Perhaps it's those of us who, despite actually being female, haven't had that experience of girlhood, who are the most cynical about womanhood as a fun role you play, rather than as a physiological reality.
I love this piece because I so relate! My mother didn't allow me to have a Barbie in the 1960s--she thought those hard plastic boobs were inappropriate for a kid. But I did have a Skipper whose hair was similarly butchered and torched over the years. There was some primal girl aggression and fury unleashed on Skipper that I still don't really understand. Maybe she couldn't be who I wanted her to be with that perpetual frozen smile--just like I couldn't be cool enough to fit in as I started to hit puberty. I related to this line: "You even develop some healthy contempt for approval purchased on false terms." Like you imply Eliza, that steeling some of us nerd girls learned as we escaped into books instead of conforming serves us well in this moment when some of our grownup "girlfriends" would rather we didn't think clearly and speak the truth.
Photo by Steinmetz
The ending here is a bit depressing. Are you referring to a cost you are paying among former friends for having this Substack? I hope you find better friends. Usually as adults it is possible to find your tribe if you look
"Sleepovers" are something I don't remember existing when I was an adolescent in the 1970s - are they new, is it something only girls do, is it something more common outside the UK, or was I just too uncool to be invited :-D ?
More relevant, perhaps, is that it was quite a revelation when I realised that I compartmentalise my life a lot - probably part of my ASD. Essentially, I have five categories - close family, more distant family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Each group has is own set of things I'm willing to give them access to, and only very rarely does anyone cross from one group to another. I loathe things like parties where friends and family get together. This has some negative effects - I have always had trouble remaining in one job for any length of time because lines start to get blurred, for example - but it has made it remarkably easy to avoid falling into socialised group-think. It has - coming back to the theme Eliza set - meant that I have avoided several "sleepovers", both one-to-one and group, that would have been a very bad idea. I now have to find a way to manage my daughter's expectations of such things, because I regard them, as Eliza alludes to, as nothing more than opportunities for excluding those who do not comply with group-think.