The return of the girly girls

Georgia O’Keeffe, Coxcomb

Welcome to 2024, the year when young women say: “I dont think i actually want to be a girl just look like one.”

(So much for a one-size-fits-all analysis of why girls transition.)

Some want to present as girls without being mistaken for a girl:

I wish I was born a guy so I could wear feminine clothing without feeling like I’m an imposter, I just want to be able to be a feminine guy sometimes and not worry about feeling or being perceived as a girl bc I am physically a boy. I wish I didn’t care what everyone thought and I wish I could just be me without all this stupid anxiety about my gender and how others perceive it

Others want to play a trick on the world, holding their trans identities close, like a secret no one can crack:

thought I was genderfluid. Realized I just like cross dressing. I love being a man, that makes me happy, but also dressing up as a girl in a way they couldn't tell I was a man is appealing

They talk about struggling to live up to the expectations that go along with being “trans” or being a “man,” because girls and women are never judged for “expressing femininity”:

For me personally, that feeling comes more so from the thought that “things would be so much easier if I was a girl, I could express femininity without being judged and stigmatized for being a feminine trans man.”

Others lament “wasting” their good looks and fashion sense. If only they were girls!

sometimes i wish i could just be a girl as well because i would have the best style as a girl tbh

even as a trans guy I'd like to dress feminine, do make up, behave feminine, but I don't like how it looks on me. :(

I love stereotypically feminine things, I even love looking like a woman, yet I'm not one, internally I'm a binary man. It's like drag for me, and I always feel so much more confident when I'm presenting femininely as opposed to masculinely. If I could've chosen, I'd be a cis woman. Unfortunately for me, I either have to pick between being confident in my looks, or passing [as male]. So yeah, I feel you man

They can’t wait for testosterone or ‘top surgery’ so they can dress feminine without anyone jumping to the wrong conclusions about what that means:

I can't wait to be feminine again when I look like a dude. I want to have a beard, no boobs, and wear a dress. I want to wear feminine things and definitely not be mistaken as a girl.

I don't know how helpful this is for you, but in my personal experience I found that going through physical transition steps (low dose testosterone for a number of years and top surgery) has really boosted my ability to accept femme expressions from myself. I consider my emotional sensitivity, long hair, and fashion sense to be more femme than is generally "acceptable" for trans mascs. But I was only really able to embrace those things about myself once I felt more secure in my physical masculinity. In other words, presenting more masc with my bod (body hair, low voice, no tits, more musckles [sic]) allowed me to explore more feminine presentations. Before I'd taken T or gotten top I swore I'd never wear a skirt again, but after those I felt so much more comfortable in my body that I'm now able to play with more femme expression with much more freedom.

Some, despite lurking in trans spaces, say things like “I figure I’m not trans, just a girl who wants to change her body.” In this case, that means cutting off her breasts. (This is the direction trans is evolving, if you ask me: embodiment goals for everyone!)

Others redefine themselves as “flamboyant, effeminate, campy” (invariably “gay”) men who “love fruity little outfits,” or describe wanting to “wear womanly clothes and i want people to view me as a drag queen when I do it.”

“Embrace who you are” (by rejecting your sex!):

Always remember, no matter what others say, only you can say who you are. If you wanna be a guy who likes cute hairstyles and makeup and fashion, then go out there and be that guy! Embrace who you are and don't make yourself feel miserable by forcing yourself into a box you don't fit into :D

The suggestion that other factors—like trauma—might be in play in the complicated desire to be a man who looks like a girl is rejected as a transphobic talking point made up by people “pretending to be detrans to scare people into being afraid to transition.”

Then there’s this account, from a young woman who identifies as nonbinary. She says she doesn’t really feel like a woman because the female parts of her body “just felt there, like it was something I was wearing rather than ‘apart of me.’” This isn’t the way wannabe amputees talk about unwanted limbs. It’s not a vociferous rejection. She sounds less like a mental patient than a dissatisfied consumer posing halfheartedly in front of the dressing-room mirror: “It’s just not me. Isn’t there something else on the rack?”

I’m in the same boat, I spent years trying hard to be the “perfect girl.” It was a constant mental spiral and I was comparing myself to people that probably weren’t even real online. However non-binary really clicked with me since I never felt truly connected to either side and more felt like a creature that got adopted by women rather then having a “woman connection” it also made me fully come to terms with how parts of my body mainly just felt there, like it was something I was wearing rather then “apart of me.” Being a girl hasn’t felt right to me for a long time and I’ve recently only put the pieces together. But it is confusing when my previous experience has been trying desperately to look like a woman and now more then anything I want to be a boy and truly mostly androgynous? It all comes with exploring these things. Inherently things are only gendered by society, it’s really about making your own meanings towards these things and breaking down the why or why not. Reflect on how you’d like to be viewed or treated, indulge and be 100% honest with yourself. If you have the option to talk to other trans people and possibly therapy I would definitely do it. Gender is personal and only something you can find yourself. I’m still lost in my journey, but as cheesy as it sounds just stay true to yourself, even if you only have shards to grasp at what you’d like for yourself. Hold onto it and the rest will follow.

The most illuminating thing she says is that figuring out your gender is all about reflecting on how “you’d like to be viewed or treated”—a desire as relatable as it is unrealizable. Trans identification provides the illusion of control: I want to be feminine as long as I can decide what you see when you look at me and what it means.

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Want to read more about femininity and trans-identified girls?