The ever-so-supportive trans community

Or, Three days on r/FTMover30:

Finally aware of the support needed for surgery and I have no semblance of it anymore

I’ve debated writing this and where to post. I think more here will understand than general ftm subs with majority minors. I’ve been on T com8ng up on 9 years and am pre op mainly due to weight. I found a surgeon with great results who has no BMI limit and that takes a lot of anxiety away.

However I have no one to travel with me. I became the main caregiver to my parent last year. They long had health issues but could’ve helped in small ways if I needed post surgery but I wanted to avoid it. Now this isn’t possible. My sibling is way too busy with work to take a week or so off to go out of state with me.

A recent bout of illness where I was in the hospital back to back and stressed about my parent getting the care they needed and my sibling not burning out too bad due to stress hammered this home. I’d long tried to avoid acknowledging some support is needed for surgery but now it’s obvious. Years of BSing now has me stuck. I have too much debt and not enough income to hire both a nurse for me and a caregiver for my parent in the interim.

I don’t know what the point of this post is but I guess it’s good I’m not hardheaded on this anymore.

But the answer isn’t to rethink or even just postpone surgery. Instead, tap into a local queer network. Maybe someone can take on your caregiving responsibilities and help you recover from a major elective surgery.

Here’s a young person recently diagnosed with ADHD and suspected autism feels doubts now that she’s about to start testosterone: “When I think rationally, after everything I've analyzed about my life in therapy and written down over the last years, i know I'm making the right decision - probably. But i still can't help but overthink it.”

Weeks before starting T and having unexpected doubts all of sudden?

Hey I'm a 32yo trans dude and it's been quite a journey. I'll try to sum things up:

I started by trying different gender expressions, haircuts, etc. The more I thought about it, the more manly I felt and the more masculine I dressed. Started as gender fluid then non-binary and now a trans guy, even though I'm slowly getting used to the word "man". I never felt good about being called a woman, so i knows it's not the same thing.

Honestly I feel GREAT when people treat me as a guy and use he/him pronouns and my chosen name. I truly do. If i could i would wear my binder everyday.

But even though I'm see Testosterone as a something that will bring exciting changes, and i do want it bc it will make my life easier over time, i still find myself having seconds thoughts.

I guess I'm afraid to be seen as trans, for obvious reasons. Not ashamed, but afraid for the future. Also, i don't fully identify with the way society demands a man to be, I've always hated gender roles.

I'm going though a lot, and recently got diagnosed with ADHD and possibly autism so yeah, a lot has to do with my indecision and my unique ND way to see genders in general. When I think rationally, after everything I've analyzed about my life in therapy and written down over the last years, i know I'm making the right decision - probably. But i still can't help but overthink it.

I'm here hoping to see if you guys also struggled with starting hormones, and how it felt right before taking this step. Specially other Neurodivergent people or anyone who identifies with my struggle.

EDIT: Oh and btw my family is extremely supportive and most of my friends were too so on top of that I'm feeling grateful but also weirded out bc instead of happy I'm a little tense. People are like "you must be so happy!!" and I'm "actually every step makes me go YAY inside, but also I'm terrified all the time 🫠"

Advice: why not start testosterone like you planned? After all, you can stop anytime and “one shot (or one day of gel) will not make you look like a hairy buff man”:

If you do one shot and have second thoughts, you can never do another shot. But at least then you’ll know that T was not the path for you. I started T with the idea that every week I would consider if I wanted to keep doing it. 5 years later and I plan to stay on T forever. But when I started I could never have predicted that. The journey is just as important as the destination.

Another commenter relates and says that the doubts don’t ever go away:

I had the same experience of doubting myself and I still do sometimes. For me I was afraid of making irreversible changes because I felt like there was no empirical way to be absolutely certain this was right for me.

Even now sometimes I’ll be like “can’t believe I named myself ___ smh” or “are you sure you want to increase your t dose?” They’re derailing thoughts, designed to keep me anxious. I know who I am, and that I like what I’m doing. I think it’s normal to have doubts whenever you’re about to make any major decision.

Doubts are nothing to worry about because “it would be more strange if you didn’t have feelings like this.”

Then there are the drug-pushing therapists and also you (a female) can get over your doubts about whether testosterone is right for you by conquering “toxic masculinity”:

I put off starting T for a long time and then my therapist asked me why, and i realized I was afraid of all the changes bc change IS scary, even good change. I took some time, talked to friends and loved ones who were super supportive. and i'm really glad i'm on this journey. also fuck gender roles. you get to be whatever kind of man you feel like you are. toxic masculinity is garbage, fuck it

Most troubling of all, there’s a post titled “Distressed about top surgery in a week/ being trans in general”—by someone whose entire Reddit history should throw the wisdom of transitioning into question:

One year ago: “1 month on T- feeling lousy and discouraged”

Followed by:

• “2 months in- severely dysphoric & depressed, questioning everything”

• “Distraught- T has significantly worsened my mental health”

• “Losing hair, worried about started Finasteride too early”

• “10months on T: The in between stage is killing me”

• “My 1 year is tomorrow, and I don’t feel like celebrating.”

• “2 weeks until Keyhole, feeling the nerves and appreciative of any tips!”

This person writes:

I just turned 30, I received my BFA diploma a few days ago, I’m unemployed and I have top surgery in 6 days. Minus the unemployment, I know some people would see this is a new beginning and positive time. It’s been anything but for me.

Once I could speak, I did my best to live as a “boy,” but trans talk didn’t exist growing up so once I hit puberty (traumatic) I forced myself into being truly female. I was tall for a woman, I was constantly hit on, didn’t have to worry about what bathroom I was going to use, didn’t worry about how people saw me and what pronoun they’d use, every brand of clothing fit me perfectly, I wasn’t losing hair/balding, the list goes on. All of that is the opposite now.

Before starting T 14 months ago I was coming off being bedridden with POTS for several years. Somehow transitioning has felt almost as difficult. My parents and gf have had a very hard time. I’m extremely stressed about every facet of being trans. I never felt (more) comfortable in a queer space, let alone being a trans person, struggling to use an STP at a urinal or waiting awkwardly for a stall. Testosterone would have saved my life as a kid. But it all feels too little too late now.

It’s 5am and I’ve been crying all night like I have all week because I’m so stressed about top surgery. Medical shit is traumatic for me. My parents don’t want me to do this. My gf has gone through hell with me and has to be my care taker. I feel like I’m ruining everyone’s life including my own. If I get top, there’s zero moving back. What have I gained? My period finally stopped last month. My POTS is now mild. I have muscle. Cool. Is all that worth the hell of living “authentically” as trans? Chest dysphoria is also pretty new since transitioning bc I am luckily small chested. It feels like something I “have” to do to survive and thrive in this world as male if I’m going through with everything. I can’t travel safely or feel male without this. But I’m terrified and not looking forward to it. The gym has been the only thing saving me from losing my mind completely, the thought of taking a break for weeks to months is scary.

If you relate to any of this, please help me. Therapy is only so useful. I’m worried my mental health is too poor going into surgery especially with the insomnia, but I’m even more worried about what my mental health would look like 2-3 months from now if I had to reschedule.

I’m a wreck, need hugs.

If any post screams don’t do this, it’s this one: “I feel like I’m ruining everyone’s life including my own,” “it feels like something I ‘have’ to do",” “I’m terrified,” “I’m worried my mental health is too poor going into surgery.”

But all along the way, the trans community has cheered this person along transition. When OP worried that testosterone had “significantly worsened” her mental health—to the point of coming up with suicide plans—commenters responded by saying this like “You stated that you have a lifelong history of depression, ADHD, OCD, etc. and your unmedicated for all of it and not by choice, I do not think it is the testosterone that is causing this mental health decline.”

And:

I have to wonder if there isn’t something deeper going on - if every substance you take leads to suicidal ideation, that’s obviously not sustainable. Especially if so much of your depression is wrapped together with your gender dysphoria, T would eventually be life saving if you could tolerate it long enough for it to work.

Another responds:

Is it possible you would've felt this way with or without T? Being unmedicated, I imagine mental health flare ups happen, and this could possibly be unrelated to T and just coincidentally happened while you're taking it. I made a similar mistake about seven years back, thinking it was the hormones giving me a mental breakdown when it was probably due to being unmedicated and in a rough situation. Travel can be pretty triggering.

I say this not to discount your experience, but to perhaps give you some hope that T might still be possible for you, and there might be something else to address.

When she expressed feeling “severely depressed, dysphoric, and questioning everything,” and wondering whether she should detransition because of feeling “not happy with the changes, I’m scared… feel weird. I’ve never been more confused. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I’m a wreck…” the community said:

From the outside, this really honestly sounds like a brain chemical issue rather than some intrinsic truth about your gender. I didn't have any problems with T at a low dose, but when I increased it, my antidepressant basically stopped working within weeks, and all the old symptoms came right back. So if you are on medication, I'd take a hard look at that and what increased metabolism of it could mean. And if you're not on medication, remember that puberty is often a shitshow for folks with mental health issues, and maybe consider it? I don't think continuing to run full tilt into T without being more mentally okay sounds like the healthiest idea, but also, it doesn't seem right that after such a lifetime, a few weeks of T would have totally changed your understanding of you are. Puberty #2 can be hard as an established adult, and we often do have to hold tight to our original goals to get through the awkward ugly-duckling parts, so just being scared doesn't seem to me to totally contraindicate this path, but I also wouldn't want to encourage full speed ahead at this level of distress.

At other difficult passages in transition, community members said things like “your symptoms sound like low t symptoms.” The “symptoms” were a racing heart, severe fatigue, brain fog, apathy, and questioning whether transition was the right choice (“feel so lousy that it makes it hard to believe this will pass and that this is the ‘right’ choice”). Elsewhere, OP admits that “I genuinely felt less stressed in my body pre transition, which has had me questioning (with a non-binary therapist) many times if I should de transition.”

When she wrote:

10 months on T, my gender dysphoria is the worst it's EVER been. A lot of trans guys seem to have a ton of their dysphoria alleviate within the first few months, from the relief of starting T / living their truths. I however, feel like I'm in a hellish purgatory. It's a mind f**k to be called sir while I'm bleeding into a pad. To squat in a men's stall while bleeding while all the other guys are using urinals with their natal parts. To have facial hair come in while I still have a chest. To be called she/her by family and a few friends that just can't seem to make the switch, while strangers use both he and they, sometimes in the same sentence. I feel confused and awful and I fucking hate my body more than ever. I personally have always felt some kind of comfort with the binary, so I hate this non-binary space I'm currently in. I've always felt more comfortable in straight spaces compared to queer ones, even when I was a "girl" dating women.

… I need some strength to keep going. The dysphoria is so bad it makes me want to give up right now before I've even had a hysto or top surgery. I'm hoping to get a hysto this summer but top surgery won't be for another year, if I'm lucky. Why don't people talk more about how much this stage sucks? I would do anything to fast forward time. Though I am afraid that a few years from now, fully passing with a fully muscular and masculine physique, my bottom dysphoria will be even worse since even more attention will be there. I feel so old, and I'm miserable.

Commenters leapt in with reassurance that, “at 10 months a lot of trans men experience what I would call a depressive episode”:

1. You stop looking for changes bc they aint gonna happen daily anymore. Starting T can feel very affirming, very exiting and the first months we are looking for a change almost every other second. At 10 months it can feel like Nothing happens anymore bc the more dominate and obvious changes already did happen.

2. Water retardiation. It hit me hard at around 8 months and T and stayed for a couple months (on and off) My face was so squishy like I gained 30kg over night. I hated looking in the mirror, I couldn't handle thst very well. It will eventually go away tho, but this among other side effects made my progress feel really shitty and almost unbearable.

3. You talked about still getting your P... Its uncommon, but sometimes this happens. I would talk with an Endo about it tho, maybe he could get you additional Treatment with Estrogen blockers, ro make it go away.

4. We all know Dysphoria isn't going away just like that. What makes the 10 months mark especially hard, is exactly that realization. Could make it seem like the entire process isnt wirth it one bit. But you know what? You got this far. You known you wanted this and you got this far. I'll promise you 5 years from know you wont even remember that you felt that shitty. I know that bc I am now 3 months post op (1,5 yesrs on T) and couldnt remember why someone would feel like u do until I reflected about my 10 months on T mark and realized it was actually pretty shitty back then.

5. You don't know it until the surgeons consult. I've seen people unexpectatly were refused phallo because of unknown medical stuff as much as I saw people who were sure they would realisticly never be a candidate who ended up beeing able to get phallo. There is no way to tell until the surgeon tells you No.

Followed up with what can only be described as emotional bullying:

6. I get it. Transitioning is hard. sometimes unbearable hard. But honestly DO you want to live your life as a woman? I dont think so. I think your Dysphoria has melted some brain cells😅 Its gonna be fine bro. I know it sucks. But in no time you'll get hysto and then Top and maybe in 3 years you'll get Meta (or phallo) Would you have guessed that 3 years ago? I highly doubt it. Life is getting better. Its okay to have struggles. You'll find a way out of this:)

Another commenter related to the OP’s struggles and fears that ‘top surgery’ would only exacerbate that sense of ‘misalignment’ but also makes a point of sharing their “MASSIVE regret” about postponing surgery in the past:

Honestly I feel this hard. I'm due top surgery in the coming months and I'm worried that having my chest be male will make the rest of me not matching more obvious and more painful. I suffer a lot with bottom dysphoria like you do, it's actually the main source of my dysphoria tbh. I suppose in some ways I'm '''lucky''' that I'm non-passing as at least those parts of my body don't overall look out of place if that makes sense? But I do share the same worry that if that ever changes, especially post top, that it'll make the bottom dysphoria worse.

I suppose my advice, or rather what I'm focusing on to get me through it atm, is that even if it does make bottom dysphoria substantially worse, that's a lot easier to avoid. Having top surgery will make everyday things easier. Not having to wear binders and choose what tops to wear based on how visible it might be. Taking off a shirt if its too warm or whatever. It'll be one less thing to be dysphoric about overall, one part of the body that isn't a battlefield.

As someone who turned down top surgery a few years ago due to this exact worry, I can tell you it was a MASSIVE regret. My god. I can't begin to describe how awful it felt. And I know this isn't about top surgery specifically but that's just the experience I can speak on. For hysto if that's something that would get rid of dysphoria I think you should go for it. It's not going to make a such a visible difference and create a comparison point for other areas of dysphoria like top would. You'll likely even forget all about it tbh. I'm lucky that my cycle stopped on T and it genuinely never crosses my mind because there aren't really any reminders of it.

I can't really speak on the getting gendered all over the place though or the being in an inbetween phase. I'm almost 4 years on T and have yet to pass at all, I still look like a cis woman to society, so I'm essentially in the pre phase lmao, so I can't give any advice or anything about the to and fro of inconsistent passing. But it does suck that things just, don't align.

When this person was struggling one year into transition—writing “I feel worse than I did a year ago. My dysphoria is worse even though I’m finally passing”— the community said: keep going. What testosterone hasn’t fixed, a mastectomy or hysterectomy might:

A year into transition isn't a long time, but it can feel like forever when you're going through it and finding everything a slog.

Can I tell you about my early transition, and early twenties up to age 29? This isn't to say "we all have it bad" but to say "It can be really fucking awful, but I promise that doesn't mean it will always be that awful"

I'm 41 now, and wasn't sure I'd get to this point, not because I was actively suicidal but because I just saw no way forward at multiple points in my twenties. I was long-term unemployed (depressed, horrifically anxious, undiagnosed Autistic) living with episodes of dizziness & frequently short of breath, that was written off as anxiety (turns out I get vestibular migraine, and I'm asthmatic!) and with chronic hip and back pain that - I shit you not, my GP said at one point - "it might be your acne." (It was multiple herniated discs, general lumbar vertebral fuckery, and bilateral hip dysplasia). Once I understood each issue I could start to manage them, mitigate for them, and become a more functional person. But I couldn't do any of that until the depression and anxiety linked to the dysphoria started to shift, and that didn't really kick in until after my mastectomy and hysterectomy in 2005 and 2008 respectively, several years after starting T.

There was a reason I decided to work with data that was fully public. Even so, I have mixed feelings about diving into one person’s Reddit history. Yet I think this shows something that people who aren’t engrossed in these communities need to understand: the constant pressure to take that next step, whatever it is, and no matter how you feel about it. No doubts or reservations are too great to be overcome. No negative experiences with transition too substantial to be overlooked.

This isn’t a matter of someone potentially experiencing regret years down the road, but rather someone whose negative experiences with an ongoing gender transition are a five-alarm fire that’s raging right now. Yet the community keeps adding gasoline. Nothing so far has lived up to the impossible promises transition makes, but the next promise—surely—will be kept.