Eliza, I have a few decades of professional experience working with various levels of autism and what used to be called Asperger's syndrome. I have also been doing a lot of research on the current trends of self-diagnosis and redefining what autism is and have a collection of social media posts illustrating these points. I also have direct personal experience with watching how autism can interact with gender beliefs. I have a lot of material I can share with you if you are interested. Feel free to message me. I would be glad to help.
One example: there's a tendency among the cohort of self-diagnosed (and even those professionally diagnosed, which may or may not be an appropriate diagnosis) to expand and redefine autistic traits to include them but stretches the conceits into meaningless or to add new traits that are not autism traits that strongly parallels what happens with "gender dysphoria." A few examples: referring to having an ear worm or liking to listen to a song on repeat as autistic echolalia, leaving a party without telling people good-bye as autistic eloping (these are extreme misuses of these terms) or sleeping with "T-Rex arms" (sleeping on your side with your hands up under your chin - not a defining or even common trait of autism)
I'm baffled by the need so many seem to have to put a label on themselves. I never could relate to the concerns of other girls, found the male realm more interesting, etc. There could be many reasons for this, but I have no desire for it to be "autism." And I don't think it is.
Although I'm not Eliza, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Because I have found the redefinition and self-dx trend frustrating but at the same time, I have a diagnosis so I sometimes think "well, maybe it's just that I feel threatened by other people sharing this label. Maybe it's jealousy and it's not like I'm qualified to diagnose anyone or to call their diagnosis into question" but at the same time so much of social media understanding of autism isn't only not relatable, but it's sometimes downright alienating.
In my opinion, the problems with self-diagnosis and expansion of definition come down to the fact that what is considered necessary for making an autism diagnosis and how severe they have to be are somewhat arbitrary and there's no objective way to measure the core autism features. Who decides where those lines are? There are legitimate arguments to be made for and against different placements of those lines so that more or fewer people qualify for the diagnosis. But there are certain online activists and content creators (and I suspect boutique psychologists who cater to people looking for a diagnosis) who have expanded and twisted what autism is into complete meaningless, and I think it's absolutely necessary to call that out as the problem it is.
I so agree. After a lifetime of struggle, my husband was gradually accepting and being helped by seeing the particular traits of Aspergers in himself - only to have it ripped away because of nazi's ?!?
It's hard to believe people with Master's Degrees are so easily turned away from objectivity.
Yes, I’m convinced I have a moderate form of Asperger’s, but I don’t even know what to call it now because apparently that specific diagnosis doesn’t exist anymore, all because Mr. Asperger was a problematic person. Oh well!
Also not Eliza - would be very interested in more information on the intersection of Autism and trans. My husband has un-medically-diagnosed Aspergers and I feel this has been a huge influence on our ROGD daughter's FTM transition.
Thank you so much for bringing this up! I'm also very interested in this -- the parallels are striking!!! I'm thinking the DSM diagnostic changes to Autism and the invention of the 'gender dysphoria' diagnosis for the DSM-5 in 2013 are a major key to this phenomenon. Not knowing how to tell the difference between what's true and not true is crazy-making and implicates postmodernism/queer theory, coercive control, and psychological warfare --- I think we are witnessing what happens when a grand scale thought reform/re-education program has been implemented and I appreciate the ability to ask questions and examine all of these things! highly recommend the substack and work of Neuro Poppins on Gender Critical Autistics if you haven't come across that yet!
Yes Neuro Poppins is conducting an interesting series of interviews of autistic people re their feelings about gender... Both detransitioners and those who have felt very drawn to "trans" ideas but then rejected them -- why? She also makes interesting contributions to a Facebook group of gender critical autists.
When I was in elementary school, I realized that when I read books written in the first person, I usually read them with a male voice in my head. Did that mean I was male?
No, I decided, it meant that most books were written by men, and that I was just defaulting to convention by “hearing” a male voice when I read the word “I.”
But I did briefly worry that my inner self didn’t automatically “sound like” a female. I certainly didn’t “feel like” a girl, being bookish and uninterested in dolls or dressing up. Fortunately, I was living in an unconventional environment, and I just didn’t worry about it.
Interesting article. Any lesbians who thinks trying to transition to a man is the answer, might want to contemplate how they think most lesbians will react to this if you desire to be with us? If we desired to be with men, we would do that. But we don’t. I’ve lost count of the number of lesbians who are with partners who identify as trans and end up leaving the relationship when their partner starts down the pathway to taking hormone therapy and starts surgery (usually commencing with cutting off their healthy breasts). Maybe we need to poll this to confirm how often this happens.
Sure, some of us may find it hot when a woman dresses like a man and performs what are known as “gentlemanly” behaviours. But we are innately attracted to women’s bodies and everything that makes a woman a woman. The way they move, smell, are more socially conditioned to show vulnerability … and the list is long. I can only speak for myself but I have zero interest in being with someone who is hopped up on testosterone, who carries themselves like a man or tries to act like one, who isn’t comfortable in their bodies and wants to have boy parts.
Now consider your potential dating pool, should many of us be out, and look at how straight women might perceive you. Can you ever really do more than perform the role of what you imagine straight women might seek in men and fully pass as a man? I say not because I’ve never met any who can fully pass but I’ve met a lot who end up transitioning only to find they have almost no dating pool. Lonely enough being a lesbian at times, so why would you limit your dating pool?
Why can’t we say it’s okay to be gay or lesbian, reject the tired gender stereotypes and say everyone is beautiful just the way they are? That is what we fought for and achieved in all Western Nations and now we’re bearing witness to what looks like Conversion Therapy 301 with the trans away of gays?
Excellent!! Spot on! I especially liked that you mentioned that feeling like a person in this age means you are feeling like a man!! We need another “Free to be you and me” movement!!
Eliza, thanks for bringing forward these kind, rational, and fully coherent responses to this distressed person. It provided me a little bit of hope that the fog of "gender confusion" may be starting to lift.
Very good article. I found myself wanting to explain to the young woman who is "obsessing" over trans identities, that being a woman isn't hollow stereotypes, and that not feeling comfortable with these stereotypes is a good things as it means she sees them for what they are: an empty nonsense. Discard the idea of "an identity", you have a sexed body and a personality. that's it. You can have specific aesthetic tastes. You can fall in love with people of your own sex. You might want a job that is not "gender conforming". None of this means your body is wrong. Trans ideology appears fixated on the idea stereotypes reveal a "truth". The entire aim of second wave feminism seems to have been lost of them. Also, few women feel comfortable with puberty, but given time come to feel at home in their matured body. Her assumptions about how other women feels is just that, an ill informed assumption. As a lesbian I have to say I never had any discomfort around being female or being homosexual. But I didn't like puberty and I certainly noticed that men have many privileges that are denied to women. I also didn't share my peers' fascination with boys, and how to attract boys (so boring!), so in that sense I did feel like an outsider. But that is totally normal for a lesbian, it doesn't mean you are wrong. What is so sinister about trans ideology is that it implies if you are a lesbian you are "wrong" because you should really be "a man", that because you are attracted to other women, you are really "a man". This is plain old homophobia because it denies the fact of, the beauty of, the pleasure of, homosexuality. If she knew some older lesbians, if she read some second wave feminism, I think she would hear voices that would provide comfort and a positive direction to go in. Trans is built around stereotypes that were created by heterosexual men to dominate heterosexual woman. They are a meaningless collection of personality traits and should be thrown away. Also, homosexuals in particular should ignore them: they certainly aren't for us. Her "confusion" is really that her sanity knows she is just a woman and a lesbian. I hope her sanity wins out as she could have a joyful life ahead as a lesbian.
Thank you, Eliza . Great article as always. I keep thinking about this part:
She feels like an “intruder in female spaces” when people know she’s a lesbian—a sign that she feels like there’s something ‘wrong’ with her sexual orientation.
So, this IS complicated. Once other women know she is a lesbian, it seems to me neither far-fetched no homophobic of them to have at least fleeting thoughts like "I wonder if she is attracted to me?" "Is she being nice or hitting on me?". Of course a lesbian is not attracted to every woman and is not a predator among women, but it is still quite possible that she is attracted to someone in a group she is in. Hence, both the actual sexual attraction or just a thought that others think you are attracted to them, may make her feel like an intruder. It is absolutely not fair and there is nothing wrong with her sexual orientation but it IS socially complicated and probably cannot be just shrugged off as internalized homophobia. I am straight myself, so perhaps someone who is not can chime in here.
I’m a gay man who generally “reads” straight (I’ve been told this over and over again), and I sometimes feel uncomfortable letting my homosexuality be known in whatever straight-guy milieu I might find myself in, because I do get the sense that a significant number of straight guys either end up wondering “is Steve attracted to *me* then?” or just clearly get the ‘ick’ feeling. It’s difficult to navigate sometimes.
I am 63 years old and was born female. When I was a child I told my family and anyone who would listen that I was a boy.
At puberty I forgot all that (denial?) and focused on being straight. There was a lot of pressure from my family to do so.
So, over my lifetime I have gone from identifying as straight to lesbian to bisexual. Recently, I have settled quite comfortably with the idea that I am non-binary. As a label, this maps most comfortably with the way I prefer to dress (typically men’s clothing) and with the fact that I am more comfortable with sex with men than with women. I also “act” more male (as defined socially) than female when I am being completely myself. About a year ago, I seriously considered transitioning, but have instead come to a place of comfort accepting that I am simply a human. I find it sad that so many of us are struggling to label ourselves, and looking to the examples that are out in the world as our models. I prefer what Andrea Gibson says: my pronouns have not yet been invented.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much pressure over the years to conform to female stereotypes; I think that’s really hurtful. Respectfully, you aren’t non-binary; there is no such thing. You’re a gender non-conforming woman, and that’s completely ok.
“… I am simply a human. I find it sad that so many of us are struggling to label ourselves…”
I agree with the above. But why do we have to label ourselves at all? Why do you feel the need to call yourself “non-binary”? (Note: I would not refer to “male” or “female,” or “man” or “woman,” as “labels.” They are simply factual observations about the biological phenomenon of sex, just as “human” is a factual observation about one’s species. (And “species” is actually a much more blurry term in biology than “sex” is.)
I agree with Noah’s assessment that you are a gender non-conforming woman and that that’s ok. I always wonder, when people say they “feel like” the opposite sex (or neither sex,” how do they know? None of us can truly know what it feels like to be anyone else. I don’t claim to know what it feels like to “be a woman.” I only know what it feels like to be me. I know I have had certain experiences (menstruation, childbirth) that no men have had. So I have that in common with (some) other women. But in many other ways I have more in common with (some) men. That doesn’t negate the biological fact that I am and always will be a woman. It seems to me that any purported explanations of “gender identity” are rooted in stereotypes.
I’m also curious about the link between trans and autism. I’ve seen people say that a large percentage of transgender people are autistic, and also some detransitioners like this one who think autism is the explanation for why they once thought they were trans, but neither of these quite ring true for me. I watched my daughter, who was always a bit quirky but never quite met the criteria for an autism diagnosis, start identifying as trans and also self-diagnose with autism at the same time. These seemed like two parts of the same phenomenon - social contagion brought on by Tumblr, normal adolescent awkwardness, looking for an excuse or explanation for not feeling good enough, and looking for protection against being made fun of for not conforming and/or being called privileged.
It seems like the same people who are motivated to identify as trans are also motivated to identify as autistic (and then lean into any quirks they may have, instead of learning to interact with others in ways that aren’t off-putting). While I would consider it a great improvement if my daughter decided autism was the explanation and desisted from identifying as trans, in reality I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her. I don’t think she has a condition or needs a label. I think she just has her own unique personality like every other person on this earth, and that her feelings and challenges are actually a lot more typical than she would like to believe.
I’ll be very interested to read your take on the autism link. Thanks for another insightful article!
It's encouraging to see these sensible responses. If transgender therapy was any good, it would involve compulsory conversations on detrans forums. But, of course, that would be considered "conversion therapy," unlike "yeah it’s going to keep doing that till you transition."
"But here’s the thing; I like makeup and looking like a woman (I think) - I like being a woman. But I don’t feel like one - I feel like a man."
This unfortunate person has no idea what it is like to "feel like a man" because she is not a man. Only adult biological males can authentically say they know what it is like to feel like a man. Of course, they'd only be experts about being themselves, but that could go a long way in helping them generalize about the male experience.
Instead, she has likely picked up information online (and maybe in person) about what being a man is like. Even if the source were a man with no stake in the gender wars, the information would still be inadequate. At a minimum, she'd only be learning what it is like to be that individual. If she is relying on material from within the trans or gender debate, the notion she's acquired about being a man is likely biased and based on stereotypes. Furthermore, confirmation bias is probably filtering out information that does not fit her preconceptions or what she wants to believe.
Like almost all of the individuals whose stories Ms. Mondegreen shares with her readers, this person is badly in need of therapy with a qualified mental health professional who does not affirm young people's distorted thinking about sex and sex roles.
How many times does "feel" appear here.. In my country the new govt is moving to stop "gender education" in primary schools (why not all schools?) and the free speech union is taking to court nurses and psychologists bodies demanding gender ideology compliance. No wonder these poor kids have had their brains turned inside out. I have a (grown up) one who has pulled back from the brink to only "queer" but that also obsesses him ("them") (I get 2nd hand from mother) because he "feels" like this and that, or does he...etc.
I just read through the reddit link you sent. Fascinating. The same things repeated over and over: they want to be gentle, kind, thoughtful men ie they sound like the traditional ideal of what a woman is! Also they repeated a lot about wanting to look after other people... like women tend to say. It is as if they feel safe embracing female "traits" only now they see themselves as masculine. Also, the comparison with reading mtf posts is the lack or rage, self entitlement, sexual obsessions, and desire to dominate and invade. In a strange way hearing women talk about becoming "men" is to hear an extremely feminine idea of what a man is. To me it sounds as if most of them wanted to feel safer and stronger in our society, and once they felt this were suddenly able to be comfortable being female. Women fleeing patriarchal views of womanhood to become female "men".
Steve, it's not "Nonsense." It's just a way to say that I don't go by the (societal) rules. I'm assuming you are a cis male? I hope you've never had any reason to question or resist what people expect of you.
And PhDBiologistMom, Absolutely, the stereotypes, or societal norms that people think represent how a boy should act or how a girl should dress...those never fit with me. I'm not saying I'm unique in feeling this way. I was raised with two older brothers. All three of us learned to cook, wash and iron clothes, hammer a nail, toss a football, mow the lawn, plant a tree. Twenty years ago when I first moved to South Carolina (read: bible belt and a particular outlook shared by many) I was teaching a summer art program for little kids, like 2nd and 3rd grade. Two brothers were in the class. The younger one decided he wanted to use pink in his painting and started to do so, but his older brother stopped him and said "boys don't use pink. Pink is for girls." So we had a discussion right then and there as a class about why he believes that, and is that really true and what's the harm of using pink, when is pink no longer pink and now it's red? etc. Hopefully southern-boy-the-younger held sway over his misguided sibling and they are both playing football AND dancing ballet in their spare time.
Somebody needs to develop a trans activist stand-up routine taking off from the line, "You might be red-neck if..." I guess that would get old quickly, but, it was fun to contemplate.
Eliza, I have a few decades of professional experience working with various levels of autism and what used to be called Asperger's syndrome. I have also been doing a lot of research on the current trends of self-diagnosis and redefining what autism is and have a collection of social media posts illustrating these points. I also have direct personal experience with watching how autism can interact with gender beliefs. I have a lot of material I can share with you if you are interested. Feel free to message me. I would be glad to help.
One example: there's a tendency among the cohort of self-diagnosed (and even those professionally diagnosed, which may or may not be an appropriate diagnosis) to expand and redefine autistic traits to include them but stretches the conceits into meaningless or to add new traits that are not autism traits that strongly parallels what happens with "gender dysphoria." A few examples: referring to having an ear worm or liking to listen to a song on repeat as autistic echolalia, leaving a party without telling people good-bye as autistic eloping (these are extreme misuses of these terms) or sleeping with "T-Rex arms" (sleeping on your side with your hands up under your chin - not a defining or even common trait of autism)
I'm baffled by the need so many seem to have to put a label on themselves. I never could relate to the concerns of other girls, found the male realm more interesting, etc. There could be many reasons for this, but I have no desire for it to be "autism." And I don't think it is.
Although I'm not Eliza, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Because I have found the redefinition and self-dx trend frustrating but at the same time, I have a diagnosis so I sometimes think "well, maybe it's just that I feel threatened by other people sharing this label. Maybe it's jealousy and it's not like I'm qualified to diagnose anyone or to call their diagnosis into question" but at the same time so much of social media understanding of autism isn't only not relatable, but it's sometimes downright alienating.
In my opinion, the problems with self-diagnosis and expansion of definition come down to the fact that what is considered necessary for making an autism diagnosis and how severe they have to be are somewhat arbitrary and there's no objective way to measure the core autism features. Who decides where those lines are? There are legitimate arguments to be made for and against different placements of those lines so that more or fewer people qualify for the diagnosis. But there are certain online activists and content creators (and I suspect boutique psychologists who cater to people looking for a diagnosis) who have expanded and twisted what autism is into complete meaningless, and I think it's absolutely necessary to call that out as the problem it is.
Puzzle Therapy, could you email me? I'd love to talk about this more. elizamondegreen@gmail.com
I so agree. After a lifetime of struggle, my husband was gradually accepting and being helped by seeing the particular traits of Aspergers in himself - only to have it ripped away because of nazi's ?!?
It's hard to believe people with Master's Degrees are so easily turned away from objectivity.
Yes, I’m convinced I have a moderate form of Asperger’s, but I don’t even know what to call it now because apparently that specific diagnosis doesn’t exist anymore, all because Mr. Asperger was a problematic person. Oh well!
Also not Eliza - would be very interested in more information on the intersection of Autism and trans. My husband has un-medically-diagnosed Aspergers and I feel this has been a huge influence on our ROGD daughter's FTM transition.
Thank you so much for bringing this up! I'm also very interested in this -- the parallels are striking!!! I'm thinking the DSM diagnostic changes to Autism and the invention of the 'gender dysphoria' diagnosis for the DSM-5 in 2013 are a major key to this phenomenon. Not knowing how to tell the difference between what's true and not true is crazy-making and implicates postmodernism/queer theory, coercive control, and psychological warfare --- I think we are witnessing what happens when a grand scale thought reform/re-education program has been implemented and I appreciate the ability to ask questions and examine all of these things! highly recommend the substack and work of Neuro Poppins on Gender Critical Autistics if you haven't come across that yet!
Yes Neuro Poppins is conducting an interesting series of interviews of autistic people re their feelings about gender... Both detransitioners and those who have felt very drawn to "trans" ideas but then rejected them -- why? She also makes interesting contributions to a Facebook group of gender critical autists.
When I was in elementary school, I realized that when I read books written in the first person, I usually read them with a male voice in my head. Did that mean I was male?
No, I decided, it meant that most books were written by men, and that I was just defaulting to convention by “hearing” a male voice when I read the word “I.”
But I did briefly worry that my inner self didn’t automatically “sound like” a female. I certainly didn’t “feel like” a girl, being bookish and uninterested in dolls or dressing up. Fortunately, I was living in an unconventional environment, and I just didn’t worry about it.
Interesting article. Any lesbians who thinks trying to transition to a man is the answer, might want to contemplate how they think most lesbians will react to this if you desire to be with us? If we desired to be with men, we would do that. But we don’t. I’ve lost count of the number of lesbians who are with partners who identify as trans and end up leaving the relationship when their partner starts down the pathway to taking hormone therapy and starts surgery (usually commencing with cutting off their healthy breasts). Maybe we need to poll this to confirm how often this happens.
Sure, some of us may find it hot when a woman dresses like a man and performs what are known as “gentlemanly” behaviours. But we are innately attracted to women’s bodies and everything that makes a woman a woman. The way they move, smell, are more socially conditioned to show vulnerability … and the list is long. I can only speak for myself but I have zero interest in being with someone who is hopped up on testosterone, who carries themselves like a man or tries to act like one, who isn’t comfortable in their bodies and wants to have boy parts.
Now consider your potential dating pool, should many of us be out, and look at how straight women might perceive you. Can you ever really do more than perform the role of what you imagine straight women might seek in men and fully pass as a man? I say not because I’ve never met any who can fully pass but I’ve met a lot who end up transitioning only to find they have almost no dating pool. Lonely enough being a lesbian at times, so why would you limit your dating pool?
Why can’t we say it’s okay to be gay or lesbian, reject the tired gender stereotypes and say everyone is beautiful just the way they are? That is what we fought for and achieved in all Western Nations and now we’re bearing witness to what looks like Conversion Therapy 301 with the trans away of gays?
Excellent!! Spot on! I especially liked that you mentioned that feeling like a person in this age means you are feeling like a man!! We need another “Free to be you and me” movement!!
Thanks for this piece, Lisa!
Eliza, thanks for bringing forward these kind, rational, and fully coherent responses to this distressed person. It provided me a little bit of hope that the fog of "gender confusion" may be starting to lift.
Very good article. I found myself wanting to explain to the young woman who is "obsessing" over trans identities, that being a woman isn't hollow stereotypes, and that not feeling comfortable with these stereotypes is a good things as it means she sees them for what they are: an empty nonsense. Discard the idea of "an identity", you have a sexed body and a personality. that's it. You can have specific aesthetic tastes. You can fall in love with people of your own sex. You might want a job that is not "gender conforming". None of this means your body is wrong. Trans ideology appears fixated on the idea stereotypes reveal a "truth". The entire aim of second wave feminism seems to have been lost of them. Also, few women feel comfortable with puberty, but given time come to feel at home in their matured body. Her assumptions about how other women feels is just that, an ill informed assumption. As a lesbian I have to say I never had any discomfort around being female or being homosexual. But I didn't like puberty and I certainly noticed that men have many privileges that are denied to women. I also didn't share my peers' fascination with boys, and how to attract boys (so boring!), so in that sense I did feel like an outsider. But that is totally normal for a lesbian, it doesn't mean you are wrong. What is so sinister about trans ideology is that it implies if you are a lesbian you are "wrong" because you should really be "a man", that because you are attracted to other women, you are really "a man". This is plain old homophobia because it denies the fact of, the beauty of, the pleasure of, homosexuality. If she knew some older lesbians, if she read some second wave feminism, I think she would hear voices that would provide comfort and a positive direction to go in. Trans is built around stereotypes that were created by heterosexual men to dominate heterosexual woman. They are a meaningless collection of personality traits and should be thrown away. Also, homosexuals in particular should ignore them: they certainly aren't for us. Her "confusion" is really that her sanity knows she is just a woman and a lesbian. I hope her sanity wins out as she could have a joyful life ahead as a lesbian.
Thank you, Eliza . Great article as always. I keep thinking about this part:
She feels like an “intruder in female spaces” when people know she’s a lesbian—a sign that she feels like there’s something ‘wrong’ with her sexual orientation.
So, this IS complicated. Once other women know she is a lesbian, it seems to me neither far-fetched no homophobic of them to have at least fleeting thoughts like "I wonder if she is attracted to me?" "Is she being nice or hitting on me?". Of course a lesbian is not attracted to every woman and is not a predator among women, but it is still quite possible that she is attracted to someone in a group she is in. Hence, both the actual sexual attraction or just a thought that others think you are attracted to them, may make her feel like an intruder. It is absolutely not fair and there is nothing wrong with her sexual orientation but it IS socially complicated and probably cannot be just shrugged off as internalized homophobia. I am straight myself, so perhaps someone who is not can chime in here.
I’m a gay man who generally “reads” straight (I’ve been told this over and over again), and I sometimes feel uncomfortable letting my homosexuality be known in whatever straight-guy milieu I might find myself in, because I do get the sense that a significant number of straight guys either end up wondering “is Steve attracted to *me* then?” or just clearly get the ‘ick’ feeling. It’s difficult to navigate sometimes.
I am 63 years old and was born female. When I was a child I told my family and anyone who would listen that I was a boy.
At puberty I forgot all that (denial?) and focused on being straight. There was a lot of pressure from my family to do so.
So, over my lifetime I have gone from identifying as straight to lesbian to bisexual. Recently, I have settled quite comfortably with the idea that I am non-binary. As a label, this maps most comfortably with the way I prefer to dress (typically men’s clothing) and with the fact that I am more comfortable with sex with men than with women. I also “act” more male (as defined socially) than female when I am being completely myself. About a year ago, I seriously considered transitioning, but have instead come to a place of comfort accepting that I am simply a human. I find it sad that so many of us are struggling to label ourselves, and looking to the examples that are out in the world as our models. I prefer what Andrea Gibson says: my pronouns have not yet been invented.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much pressure over the years to conform to female stereotypes; I think that’s really hurtful. Respectfully, you aren’t non-binary; there is no such thing. You’re a gender non-conforming woman, and that’s completely ok.
“… I am simply a human. I find it sad that so many of us are struggling to label ourselves…”
I agree with the above. But why do we have to label ourselves at all? Why do you feel the need to call yourself “non-binary”? (Note: I would not refer to “male” or “female,” or “man” or “woman,” as “labels.” They are simply factual observations about the biological phenomenon of sex, just as “human” is a factual observation about one’s species. (And “species” is actually a much more blurry term in biology than “sex” is.)
I agree with Noah’s assessment that you are a gender non-conforming woman and that that’s ok. I always wonder, when people say they “feel like” the opposite sex (or neither sex,” how do they know? None of us can truly know what it feels like to be anyone else. I don’t claim to know what it feels like to “be a woman.” I only know what it feels like to be me. I know I have had certain experiences (menstruation, childbirth) that no men have had. So I have that in common with (some) other women. But in many other ways I have more in common with (some) men. That doesn’t negate the biological fact that I am and always will be a woman. It seems to me that any purported explanations of “gender identity” are rooted in stereotypes.
Echoing others here: why the impulse to label yourself non-binary? It’s nonsense.
I’m also curious about the link between trans and autism. I’ve seen people say that a large percentage of transgender people are autistic, and also some detransitioners like this one who think autism is the explanation for why they once thought they were trans, but neither of these quite ring true for me. I watched my daughter, who was always a bit quirky but never quite met the criteria for an autism diagnosis, start identifying as trans and also self-diagnose with autism at the same time. These seemed like two parts of the same phenomenon - social contagion brought on by Tumblr, normal adolescent awkwardness, looking for an excuse or explanation for not feeling good enough, and looking for protection against being made fun of for not conforming and/or being called privileged.
It seems like the same people who are motivated to identify as trans are also motivated to identify as autistic (and then lean into any quirks they may have, instead of learning to interact with others in ways that aren’t off-putting). While I would consider it a great improvement if my daughter decided autism was the explanation and desisted from identifying as trans, in reality I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her. I don’t think she has a condition or needs a label. I think she just has her own unique personality like every other person on this earth, and that her feelings and challenges are actually a lot more typical than she would like to believe.
I’ll be very interested to read your take on the autism link. Thanks for another insightful article!
It's encouraging to see these sensible responses. If transgender therapy was any good, it would involve compulsory conversations on detrans forums. But, of course, that would be considered "conversion therapy," unlike "yeah it’s going to keep doing that till you transition."
"But here’s the thing; I like makeup and looking like a woman (I think) - I like being a woman. But I don’t feel like one - I feel like a man."
This unfortunate person has no idea what it is like to "feel like a man" because she is not a man. Only adult biological males can authentically say they know what it is like to feel like a man. Of course, they'd only be experts about being themselves, but that could go a long way in helping them generalize about the male experience.
Instead, she has likely picked up information online (and maybe in person) about what being a man is like. Even if the source were a man with no stake in the gender wars, the information would still be inadequate. At a minimum, she'd only be learning what it is like to be that individual. If she is relying on material from within the trans or gender debate, the notion she's acquired about being a man is likely biased and based on stereotypes. Furthermore, confirmation bias is probably filtering out information that does not fit her preconceptions or what she wants to believe.
Like almost all of the individuals whose stories Ms. Mondegreen shares with her readers, this person is badly in need of therapy with a qualified mental health professional who does not affirm young people's distorted thinking about sex and sex roles.
How many times does "feel" appear here.. In my country the new govt is moving to stop "gender education" in primary schools (why not all schools?) and the free speech union is taking to court nurses and psychologists bodies demanding gender ideology compliance. No wonder these poor kids have had their brains turned inside out. I have a (grown up) one who has pulled back from the brink to only "queer" but that also obsesses him ("them") (I get 2nd hand from mother) because he "feels" like this and that, or does he...etc.
Eliza, if you haven't seen it yet, the comments on this recent post on r/ftm asking about for ftm views on what masculinity means are a fascinating read. Seems up your alley. https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/1hbjp1c/what_does_masculinity_and_being_a_man_means_to/
I just read through the reddit link you sent. Fascinating. The same things repeated over and over: they want to be gentle, kind, thoughtful men ie they sound like the traditional ideal of what a woman is! Also they repeated a lot about wanting to look after other people... like women tend to say. It is as if they feel safe embracing female "traits" only now they see themselves as masculine. Also, the comparison with reading mtf posts is the lack or rage, self entitlement, sexual obsessions, and desire to dominate and invade. In a strange way hearing women talk about becoming "men" is to hear an extremely feminine idea of what a man is. To me it sounds as if most of them wanted to feel safer and stronger in our society, and once they felt this were suddenly able to be comfortable being female. Women fleeing patriarchal views of womanhood to become female "men".
Steve, it's not "Nonsense." It's just a way to say that I don't go by the (societal) rules. I'm assuming you are a cis male? I hope you've never had any reason to question or resist what people expect of you.
And PhDBiologistMom, Absolutely, the stereotypes, or societal norms that people think represent how a boy should act or how a girl should dress...those never fit with me. I'm not saying I'm unique in feeling this way. I was raised with two older brothers. All three of us learned to cook, wash and iron clothes, hammer a nail, toss a football, mow the lawn, plant a tree. Twenty years ago when I first moved to South Carolina (read: bible belt and a particular outlook shared by many) I was teaching a summer art program for little kids, like 2nd and 3rd grade. Two brothers were in the class. The younger one decided he wanted to use pink in his painting and started to do so, but his older brother stopped him and said "boys don't use pink. Pink is for girls." So we had a discussion right then and there as a class about why he believes that, and is that really true and what's the harm of using pink, when is pink no longer pink and now it's red? etc. Hopefully southern-boy-the-younger held sway over his misguided sibling and they are both playing football AND dancing ballet in their spare time.
Somebody needs to develop a trans activist stand-up routine taking off from the line, "You might be red-neck if..." I guess that would get old quickly, but, it was fun to contemplate.