WPATH, part II: The gist

I missed the opening plenary, but I *think* I can piece it together from listening to everything else...

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First of all, we wish to inform you that the World Professional Association for Transgender Health now identifies as “evidence-based.” Exclusive message-testing reveals that when members of the general public encounter the concept of “evidence-based medicine,” they tend to think that sounds like a good thing. In fact, more than a few express surprise and concern that there’s such a thing as non-evidence-based medicine! In light of our decision to suppress the publication of several systematic reviews that might have enabled us to actually become evidence-based—albeit with devastating consequences for clinical practice in this area—we are stepping into the authenticity and healing power that comes from defining ourselves, rather than being defined according to the terms of a narrow-minded world.

On that note, we regret to inform you that the positive outcomes data that we promised would rescue our embattled field took a wrong turn and will not be arriving to save the day. We will henceforth be shifting to a more “vibes-based” evaluation model, under the guise of “centering trans voices.”

Furthermore, we are well aware of serious problems in our field, such as the overly binary nature of our quack assessment tools. No adult medical professional should be asking preschool-age children ridiculous questions like, “Suppose you weren't born yet, and I, the fairy, asked you whether you would like to become a girl or a boy, what would you choose?” Questions like this are highly misleading and reinforce harmful binaries that leave genderflux negatrois four-year-olds out in the cold. However, we are pleased to report that other assessment questions have stood the test of time, such as the more open-ended and inclusive “If my magic stick could fulfill your greatest wish, what would that be?”

So far, the uptake of our global child-indoctrination campaign has been disproportionately white. We promise to do better and start confusing and sterilizing more non-white children and young people as soon as humanly possible. Please hold us accountable to our diversity, equity, and inclusion goals.

We remain committed to improving the education and training of medical professionals, too many of whom continue to enact archaic rituals like assessment, diagnosis, and selection of treatment options, with some even going so far as to withhold life-saving™ gender-affirming care from actively psychotic patients. Patients deserve better!

In the meantime, we are pleased to report that the they/themification of the gender workforce continues apace, with a record number of normie white AFABs mixing up xir pronouns on LinkedIn!

Unfortunately, some patients appear to be undertaking longer-than-expected gender journeys, with an increasing number of young people wanting to return to their initial embarkation points. This was entirely unforeseeable. On the plus side, when our patients regret what we did to them, that means we were successful in prioritizing *~Autonomy~*, which is what social justice is all about, according to Tumblr.

Finally—and most regrettably—we have recently been notified that we neglected to include a chapter on ethics in our latest Standards of Care. However, we are delighted to inform you that ethics are already infused *throughout* the Standards of Care, with the exception of a few chapters, like the one about eunuchs.