I’m working on a piece about what happens when a physical feature that you've tried to accept—your sex, height, weight, lips, nose, breasts… you name it—becomes the target of cosmetic interventions on a mass scale, whether you opt for said intervention or resist.
I saw myself as a ugly male with little to no chance of ever having a relationship. I had become completely consumed with cross dressing as a female. I grew my hair long, shaved my body hair and practiced wearing makeup. I was losing my grasp with biological reality fixated on becoming a woman despite being 6'2" tall with large extremities (long arms,large feet,& hands) I had psychiatric assessments, began taking conjugated estrogen hormones,advancing to birth control pills initiating my breast development. Electrolysis sessions to remove facial hair then the real life test living full time as a woman. After two years of cross living sex reassignment surgery. I was legally female and initially euphoric however over time reality was creeping in. My inferiority complexes were returning with a vengeance. My conscience was convicting me that despite surgery,hormones and legal identity change I was living a lie. I was not a woman but an extremely shy and introverted male. I realized my gender reassignment was essentially cosmetic surgery attempting to remedy emotional insecurities and inferiority complexes. I restored my male identity and living in truth. I fear many today are like me attempting to resolve emotional conflicts with surgical intervention and warn there are consequences trying to remanufacture nature.
Wow. Well I am a fat 50+ yr old in the age of Ozempic. So that has had me thinking a lot about how hard I have worked on self acceptance (was normal weight even after 4 pregnancies until a thyroid hiccup in my late 30s left me definitively obese and unable to shift it) and what ozempic type drugs means for me as a fat woman in the world.
And one of the big arguments I had had with my trans ally kid is that so many of the gender affirming interventions that TIMs do are things I have done as a result of PCOS since my teens. Hair removal from chin and chest in my teens. Surviving the age of shoulder pads when I already look like a linebacker without them. Wearing men’s jeans for years (until I gave birth) because I had no hips to speak of so women’s jeans didn’t fit. Being misgendered in my youth even when I was trying to look feminine. Etc. Almost nothing makes my blood boil more than trans women claiming they will die if they have to continue to live in the world looking like me.
Anyhoo. Happy to talk if you want to reach out. I could go on about this forever
I feel the same with the ozempic craze. Early 50s and started menopause by the time I was 40. Since then the only way to loose the weight gained is extreme dieting. Even then it is difficult. Seeing celebrities endorse the ozempic way makes it very appealing. Even though I know the negative side effects, still makes it tempting. But I’m just working at accepting my more full figured self.
Wrinkles, on women - unforgivable. I am fit, healthy, supple, still capable of coherent thought (I believe!), but I’m now 63 and I haven’t had any fillers or lifts and I’m pretty lazy with the moisturiser. As a result my face is pretty wrinkly, and everyone I know of my age has had some kind of intervention, even if it’s just a bit of filler.
Yes, it makes me feel unattractive at times, but I think that I don’t want to fall into that trap. Why should I “attract”? I have a lovely husband and certainly don’t want another man bothering me. I do stuff that makes me fulfilled. I have family who love me. The people I work with don’t treat me as lesser because I’m older - well actually, they do a bit at times but I think that younger colleagues own the future so I don’t really mind too much.
When I smile I think I look better than I would with a face full of chemicals. The wrinkles fall nicely then, even if they don’t when I’m concentrating, or driving, or just walking down the street.
So I guess the trick is to smile in the mirror, stay engaged with life and enjoy not being the focus of male attention. I’ve always dressed to please myself and I hope I always will. Age has so many benefits if you can hang on to your health. So really, I don’t mind if my face betrays that age, even if I sometimes think I need to be brave to act on that thought. 🙂
I figure that everyone gets wrinkles eventually. I hope that I smile enough with my eyes that when the wrinkles come, they follow the lines of many years of smiles.
I have noticeably crooked teeth. My parents never took us kids to the dentist because they couldn’t afford it and I have a rather small jaw which has led to crowding. When, as an adult, I found myself in the position to have my teeth straightened, I considered doing so but decided not to because I was already married, my husband was used to the way I look, and I somehow felt a sense of loyalty to my blue collar smile because that’s me, and despite being crooked, my teeth are sound. One day, I accompanied my husband to his emergency dental appointment for moral support. While I was in the waiting area, the dentist came out to talk with me about my husband’s tooth that needed pulling and then started chatting me up like a used car salesman about my own teeth. He said “Make an appointment for yourself and we’ll make sure you have a sexy smile in no time.” It felt like such a gross thing to say to someone who hadn’t asked for that sort of cosmetic help, but the way he said it you could tell he thought he was offering me a prize.
He was trying to get himself a bigger paycheck. I’ve noticed in the ‘80s and 90s movies no one had fluorescent white teeth. Just basic cream, maybe even a bit light yellow. Now you are considered unhealthy without a bright white smile.
I went through identity distress and didn't think I was a real girl. Ended up trying to prove I was a girl and had a boob job. I possibly also had body dysmorphia and would obsess over every millimeter of my body in disgust, I still have some trouble with this now but I recognise it as mental illness that is only in my mind. I eventually realised I'd made a mistake 'trying to be a girl' and then went the other way and started to think I wasn't a girl, maybe more like a boy. It's taken me until my 30s to ground myself in my biological sex as a female, and also find out I'm autistic which was a source for my struggles. And now ppl are saying biological reality doesn't exist blah blah blah. No! I am a female and I'm fine how I am! I recently wrote about it for the first time on my blog. I'm trying to help raise autistic voices who are gender critical as the online 'autism community' silences our voices and gender ideology has taken first place. I also have struggled to come to terms with being autistic and I do not like the way autism has become an identity and I no longer want to 'identify with the autism community' as I find it hostile and regressive, much like gender ideology itself. So, I'm finding many things I've finally come to terms with suddenly being unpalatable through the eyes of others. After all my hard work to find solice!
Very minor, but my hair started to go grey when I was in my late 20s and now that I'm in my late 50s it is steel grey. I've never coloured it and have no intention of doing so (I'm pretty lazy). Yet despite all the talk about how beautiful grey hair is, what people actually mean it it's beautiful on a 20-year-old. When you're 55 you just look old. You can tell what a difference it makes if you try on a wig. But looking deep inside, I think what bothers me is actually the realization that I'm getting older - that my time will eventually come to an end, and that young people (including me) never know and never will know what a precious gift time is. But every time I see photos of myself with my younger colleagues I get a little pang of realizing that I really stand out as older, with all that society imputes to that - out of touch, stodgy, unable to operate a smartphone. But that still isn't enough to make me want to dye my hair.
I am 54. Facial fillers and Botox seem to be ubiquitous now, almost like hair dye, with the caveat that they are much more expensive so I suppose I am talking about women with money. But certainly in my “circle” it is hard to buck that trend. To be fair, I would have found it hard to see my face get saggier and wrinklier in any era, but now when most women I know are paying to prevent that from happening, it’s particularly hard. But I’ve always thought that looking old is far better than the otherworldly look so many famous women of a certain age (and some who are in their thirties!) now have. There is definitely something unsettling about our willingness to undergo expensive procedures in order to not look the age we are. It does make me wonder what will seem ‘normal’ in the future.
There is something about knowing you can do something to intervene in what would normally have been an unavoidable part of life that makes that particular thing harder to deal with. It’s a bit like how I feel about the MAID program in Canada (although that’s a much more consequential topic). Knowing you can easily opt for a way out of life’s harsher realities makes it impossible to not at least contemplate it.
"There is something about knowing you can do something to intervene in what would normally have been an unavoidable part of life that makes that particular thing harder to deal with."
I had breast reduction surgery. I don't recommend it. Should rather be called breast destruction surgery. Saw to my horror on some documentation the other day that my surgeon, Victoria Rose, is now performing gender affirming mastectomies.
Despite being very top-heavy and having a beard (PCOS/metabolic syndrome-caused) I have always been intransigent enough to know that the problem wasn't me, was rather social attitudes. Still, I couldn't make it through. I have written about these things here https://hilarybichovsky.substack.com/p/bearded
And sad to say my Mum had the same surgery, more primitive in those days, but never warned me. Women let one another down all the time - as we have all let down young women by maybe seeming to be 'adapted' to the regime of objectification we find ourselves in.
Subsequently I needed other surgery for other reasons. Things in my body can feel disjointed, now like the Picasso painting. Obvious parallels to trans surgeries.
You're a great writer, Eliza - go for it. I almost think we haven't had feminism at all - feminism reduced to a squabble for money, the glass ceiling etc. but what about being free and unobjectified in your body? That was what I wanted more than anything. Further away than ever.
My teeth are crooked, overlapping, and match exactly my father's lower jaw. I've had many, many uninformed comments about my supposed need to get orthodonture. The truth is I had it as a teen and it failed. I'd need to have a tooth removed and months of braces to have the perfect mouth. At my age, 67, I'm not going there. I accept so much more about my little physical flaws at this age! I just want the parts to work~
all my life. and still not there, though i've come to realise that it is mostly about not having to look at how fundamentally worthless i feel under the things [ fat mostly ] that i feel worthless about. [ due to trauma] fat could be changeable, and has, i was anorexic when i was younger, but that fundamental worthlessness, or worse, badness, toxic ness can't. well, it can, i'm working on it with '' a course in miracles''. it just goes a lot deeper than body.
I have a big, red birthmark on my face. Laser surgery has been available since I was young. In the Army, doctors asked me about it all the time and a couple of them at Fort Hood invited me to have it removed. I never did. It seemed like a lot of pain and trouble for a stupid birthmark. But every so often, I'd get a hemangioma on it it that would bleed uncontrollably. Finally, at the age of 48, the problem got so bad that I went to the Department of Veterans Affairs to make the bleeding stop. They sent me to a civilian armed with a laser. I would need a few more treatments to make the birthmark disappear entirely, but it stopped bleeding, so I stopped pursuing treatment. Decades of kids making fun of my face were not enough to move me to do anything about it. I waited until there was blood pouring out of my face.
I felt this exact way about being female. I had hated my body and biology since I can first remember, but eventually, I tried to simultaneously bury it in my mind and accept that I was stuck with it. I had an argument once with my dad about a sexist comment he made, and I blurted out, “Well, I didn’t get to choose to be born female, and you didn’t choose to be born male!” and it completely startled him. He never made another sexist comment to me after that.
Then, the trans craze picked up, and two of my female friends started injecting testosterone and using male pronouns. I asked them questions, like “how do you know you’re a man on the inside?” and then “if those are your reasons, then I meet the criteria to be trans too.” They of course didn’t like that, and would tell me not to talk about it because it was too traumatic for them.
So, I started doubting again. Doubting that I could ever accept being female. I began obsessively hating my body, individual parts, and as a whole. I resented everyone for perceiving me as female. I got very wrapped up, even while I began to peak trans due to the logical fallacies and JKR’s essay.
However, the acceptance of my female body has still not recovered. It’s my outward appearance, all the way down to my internal reproductive organs. I still feel shame with my homosexuality when I’m around certain family members. I still wonder if I’m one of the “few people who would benefit” from living as the opposite sex, even though I will never do it. I don’t trust big pharma and medical workers for elective surgery, and I’m too short to pass for male anyway. But that thought persists anyway.
This is exactly what I was wondering about with the wide promotion of transition (and the parallels with wide promotion of other interventions). Like the whole world picking at one's scab. Is this something you might be open to talking about more?
I am so sorry, can you email me again, just so I can find your email address? (Your message got lost in my inbox and no search queries are going to bring up less than thousands of results)
What a great topic, Eliza! So many thoughts... for my part, I've come a long way in accepting the aging process, now as a 60ish single woman (never married though had more than enough male lovers over the years, most of whom added to my insecurities about my looks -- that's another topic of course!) I figured out I had to stop looking in the mirror with critical eyes all the time, wow did I find faults, even at my youngest and "prettiest"! It was terrible. Starting around age 50 and menopause, I decided to no longer wear make-up, have been letting my hair go gray, etc., focusing on staying healthy (as another commenter mentioned). There is so much more to life, and I'm thankful that fact has sunken in at last. I think it's important for older women to show younger women an example of aging that is positive, not based on superficialities. And if you want to see real physical beauty, look at your cat's face, or your dog's, or at a bright red cardinal bird, etc. and they don't even realize how beautiful they are (well, maybe some male birds do... ;-)), which is part of why they are beautiful. Human "beauty" (of course babies are the exception to that in my opinion) pales in comparison. True beauty lies within -- it's not what you look like, it's what you do and how you treat others, including learning to love yourself -- and that's the truth! Love and best wishes to all here.❤️❤️
I have suffered two bariatric surgeries that have both essentially failed (one was the gastric band, the second was a revision to a gastric sleeve some 11-12 years later). I'm now on the O. This was always trying to treat an emotional problem with a physical intervention (mutilation), and a lot of it was tied up in a desire to for me not to be gay, hardly unlike the the trans phenomenon. I also developed transfer addictions when I was no longer able to consume as much food. I very much regret ever doing them. I'd be happy to talk to you further.
Fascinating question and there’s so much to explore with respect to ozempic. I say this as someone who has had (so far) a very positive experience. You might say that I always thought I was supposed to be a normally sized person, but wasn’t. And then medical science made it happen. There’s a pretty clear analogy. And yet, I don’t think it’s the same but it is hard to articulate why. Could rattle on about this for a long time…
I think people these days don't have enough respect for bodily integrity, and don't appreciate it until it's gone. I've heard this from some detransitioners who realised immediately on waking from their op that they'd made a mistake - to feel the shock of their breasts or genitals suddenly gone - replaced over the years by a craving for wholeness.
I identify with this feeling. 18 years ago I had laser eye surgery for simple (but extreme ~ 10 dioptre) short-sightedness. I didn't know - was not told at the time - that because I was so short-sighted, to prevent the laser from having to go too deep to get the right shape, they couldn't go wide enough. So ever since, my night vision is a mess because when by pupils dilate, they're also collecting a lot of light that can't be focussed. It's too risky to fix this problem - my corneas are too thin.
Being distressed about being stuck with this problem for life, I naturally joined support forums for others with post-Lasik complications - some much worse than mine. One comment that stuck with me was a guy saying when he now sees someone wearing thick-lensed glasses he feels pangs of envy and a longing to put the clock back and undo what he did. I could just so relate to that.
My main point is - you mess with your healthy body at your peril.
Cosmetic interventions are on a matrix - of invasiveness, reversibility, likelihood of complications, severity of complications, how bad the original problem is, and how distorted your body-image is.
It's a spectrum of "go for it" (like dying your hair), "worth it" (straightening your teeth), "hmm, be careful" (having a tattoo), to "what the hell are you doing" (like my eye surgery or "gender-affirming care").
Having said all that, I once saw a photo of a young woman who basically had no chin, who had her chin reconstructed. The "before" and "after" pictures showed total transformation to this girl's confidence. So *that* was worth it - occupying another part of that "should I do it" matrix.
I'd say always, always have that matrix in mind, go for the least invasive option, respect your body and your individuality, and remember "the perfect is the enemy of the good".
Not sure if you're still reading, Eliza, but I realise my piece on risk/benefit analysis doesn't really address your question.
It's about challenging false beliefs, having healthy self-acceptance, and embracing the thing that you think is bad or unfashionable. And realising that fighting something is counter-productive, and can even lead to a world of regret and pain.
In my case, I believed that no man would find me attractive as a wearer of thick spectacles, and that it was generally "uncool". And as an outdoor-lover, sometimes a bit impractical. It was a false belief, and I could have just accepted myself as a spectacle-wearer. Had fun choosing flattering frames, enjoyed the positive aspects like looking more intelligent, focussed on the positive aspects of my appearance, and waited out for better contact lens technology (contacts had been causing me pain). And tolerated the sometimes impractical moments, as they were minor. Much better than having a laser burn out permanently the front of my precious eyes.
Not having a very confident personality though, I found all this hard to do. But it is all about confidence.
Other examples: men who are going bald - these days the response is to embrace it and just shave their heads - so much better than silly comb-overs or invasive transplants. The belief that no woman would fancy a bald man is false - as long as they take this approach.
There's a recent trend for women going grey to just let it happen, and while I've not done that personally (yet), I admire women who do.
There's the example of Audrey Hepburn, who embraced being slim and boyish when having an hourglass figure was fashionable. Wouldn't it have been awful if she'd said "oh I wish I was like Marilyn Monroe" and got breast implants or "butt falsies" (or whatever they're called). She was beautiful as she was, and she knew it.
For young people who thing they are "trans" - just embrace the birth sex you are, and then have fun playing with your gender presentation. Buck those repressive expectations. Because all that stuff should be fun and liberating. How much better than allowing a surgeon to slice off your breasts, take hormones that give you the voice and hair pattern of a man, and that you can't undo when the novelty wears off. And for boys, losing your genitals - for ever.
I hope you can see a pattern here... that wholeness and acceptance are things that should be valued, but sometimes require a change of mindset.
I saw myself as a ugly male with little to no chance of ever having a relationship. I had become completely consumed with cross dressing as a female. I grew my hair long, shaved my body hair and practiced wearing makeup. I was losing my grasp with biological reality fixated on becoming a woman despite being 6'2" tall with large extremities (long arms,large feet,& hands) I had psychiatric assessments, began taking conjugated estrogen hormones,advancing to birth control pills initiating my breast development. Electrolysis sessions to remove facial hair then the real life test living full time as a woman. After two years of cross living sex reassignment surgery. I was legally female and initially euphoric however over time reality was creeping in. My inferiority complexes were returning with a vengeance. My conscience was convicting me that despite surgery,hormones and legal identity change I was living a lie. I was not a woman but an extremely shy and introverted male. I realized my gender reassignment was essentially cosmetic surgery attempting to remedy emotional insecurities and inferiority complexes. I restored my male identity and living in truth. I fear many today are like me attempting to resolve emotional conflicts with surgical intervention and warn there are consequences trying to remanufacture nature.
Wow. Well I am a fat 50+ yr old in the age of Ozempic. So that has had me thinking a lot about how hard I have worked on self acceptance (was normal weight even after 4 pregnancies until a thyroid hiccup in my late 30s left me definitively obese and unable to shift it) and what ozempic type drugs means for me as a fat woman in the world.
And one of the big arguments I had had with my trans ally kid is that so many of the gender affirming interventions that TIMs do are things I have done as a result of PCOS since my teens. Hair removal from chin and chest in my teens. Surviving the age of shoulder pads when I already look like a linebacker without them. Wearing men’s jeans for years (until I gave birth) because I had no hips to speak of so women’s jeans didn’t fit. Being misgendered in my youth even when I was trying to look feminine. Etc. Almost nothing makes my blood boil more than trans women claiming they will die if they have to continue to live in the world looking like me.
Anyhoo. Happy to talk if you want to reach out. I could go on about this forever
I feel the same with the ozempic craze. Early 50s and started menopause by the time I was 40. Since then the only way to loose the weight gained is extreme dieting. Even then it is difficult. Seeing celebrities endorse the ozempic way makes it very appealing. Even though I know the negative side effects, still makes it tempting. But I’m just working at accepting my more full figured self.
Wrinkles, on women - unforgivable. I am fit, healthy, supple, still capable of coherent thought (I believe!), but I’m now 63 and I haven’t had any fillers or lifts and I’m pretty lazy with the moisturiser. As a result my face is pretty wrinkly, and everyone I know of my age has had some kind of intervention, even if it’s just a bit of filler.
Yes, it makes me feel unattractive at times, but I think that I don’t want to fall into that trap. Why should I “attract”? I have a lovely husband and certainly don’t want another man bothering me. I do stuff that makes me fulfilled. I have family who love me. The people I work with don’t treat me as lesser because I’m older - well actually, they do a bit at times but I think that younger colleagues own the future so I don’t really mind too much.
When I smile I think I look better than I would with a face full of chemicals. The wrinkles fall nicely then, even if they don’t when I’m concentrating, or driving, or just walking down the street.
So I guess the trick is to smile in the mirror, stay engaged with life and enjoy not being the focus of male attention. I’ve always dressed to please myself and I hope I always will. Age has so many benefits if you can hang on to your health. So really, I don’t mind if my face betrays that age, even if I sometimes think I need to be brave to act on that thought. 🙂
I figure that everyone gets wrinkles eventually. I hope that I smile enough with my eyes that when the wrinkles come, they follow the lines of many years of smiles.
I have noticeably crooked teeth. My parents never took us kids to the dentist because they couldn’t afford it and I have a rather small jaw which has led to crowding. When, as an adult, I found myself in the position to have my teeth straightened, I considered doing so but decided not to because I was already married, my husband was used to the way I look, and I somehow felt a sense of loyalty to my blue collar smile because that’s me, and despite being crooked, my teeth are sound. One day, I accompanied my husband to his emergency dental appointment for moral support. While I was in the waiting area, the dentist came out to talk with me about my husband’s tooth that needed pulling and then started chatting me up like a used car salesman about my own teeth. He said “Make an appointment for yourself and we’ll make sure you have a sexy smile in no time.” It felt like such a gross thing to say to someone who hadn’t asked for that sort of cosmetic help, but the way he said it you could tell he thought he was offering me a prize.
He was trying to get himself a bigger paycheck. I’ve noticed in the ‘80s and 90s movies no one had fluorescent white teeth. Just basic cream, maybe even a bit light yellow. Now you are considered unhealthy without a bright white smile.
My sex, my body, and being autistic.
I went through identity distress and didn't think I was a real girl. Ended up trying to prove I was a girl and had a boob job. I possibly also had body dysmorphia and would obsess over every millimeter of my body in disgust, I still have some trouble with this now but I recognise it as mental illness that is only in my mind. I eventually realised I'd made a mistake 'trying to be a girl' and then went the other way and started to think I wasn't a girl, maybe more like a boy. It's taken me until my 30s to ground myself in my biological sex as a female, and also find out I'm autistic which was a source for my struggles. And now ppl are saying biological reality doesn't exist blah blah blah. No! I am a female and I'm fine how I am! I recently wrote about it for the first time on my blog. I'm trying to help raise autistic voices who are gender critical as the online 'autism community' silences our voices and gender ideology has taken first place. I also have struggled to come to terms with being autistic and I do not like the way autism has become an identity and I no longer want to 'identify with the autism community' as I find it hostile and regressive, much like gender ideology itself. So, I'm finding many things I've finally come to terms with suddenly being unpalatable through the eyes of others. After all my hard work to find solice!
https://auntieautism.wordpress.com/2024/04/29/undiagnosed-autism-and-gender-distress/
Have just read this. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Such important insights in what you describe.
Very minor, but my hair started to go grey when I was in my late 20s and now that I'm in my late 50s it is steel grey. I've never coloured it and have no intention of doing so (I'm pretty lazy). Yet despite all the talk about how beautiful grey hair is, what people actually mean it it's beautiful on a 20-year-old. When you're 55 you just look old. You can tell what a difference it makes if you try on a wig. But looking deep inside, I think what bothers me is actually the realization that I'm getting older - that my time will eventually come to an end, and that young people (including me) never know and never will know what a precious gift time is. But every time I see photos of myself with my younger colleagues I get a little pang of realizing that I really stand out as older, with all that society imputes to that - out of touch, stodgy, unable to operate a smartphone. But that still isn't enough to make me want to dye my hair.
I am 54. Facial fillers and Botox seem to be ubiquitous now, almost like hair dye, with the caveat that they are much more expensive so I suppose I am talking about women with money. But certainly in my “circle” it is hard to buck that trend. To be fair, I would have found it hard to see my face get saggier and wrinklier in any era, but now when most women I know are paying to prevent that from happening, it’s particularly hard. But I’ve always thought that looking old is far better than the otherworldly look so many famous women of a certain age (and some who are in their thirties!) now have. There is definitely something unsettling about our willingness to undergo expensive procedures in order to not look the age we are. It does make me wonder what will seem ‘normal’ in the future.
There is something about knowing you can do something to intervene in what would normally have been an unavoidable part of life that makes that particular thing harder to deal with. It’s a bit like how I feel about the MAID program in Canada (although that’s a much more consequential topic). Knowing you can easily opt for a way out of life’s harsher realities makes it impossible to not at least contemplate it.
"There is something about knowing you can do something to intervene in what would normally have been an unavoidable part of life that makes that particular thing harder to deal with."
Yeah, this is exactly what's been on my mind!
I had breast reduction surgery. I don't recommend it. Should rather be called breast destruction surgery. Saw to my horror on some documentation the other day that my surgeon, Victoria Rose, is now performing gender affirming mastectomies.
Despite being very top-heavy and having a beard (PCOS/metabolic syndrome-caused) I have always been intransigent enough to know that the problem wasn't me, was rather social attitudes. Still, I couldn't make it through. I have written about these things here https://hilarybichovsky.substack.com/p/bearded
And sad to say my Mum had the same surgery, more primitive in those days, but never warned me. Women let one another down all the time - as we have all let down young women by maybe seeming to be 'adapted' to the regime of objectification we find ourselves in.
Subsequently I needed other surgery for other reasons. Things in my body can feel disjointed, now like the Picasso painting. Obvious parallels to trans surgeries.
You're a great writer, Eliza - go for it. I almost think we haven't had feminism at all - feminism reduced to a squabble for money, the glass ceiling etc. but what about being free and unobjectified in your body? That was what I wanted more than anything. Further away than ever.
My teeth are crooked, overlapping, and match exactly my father's lower jaw. I've had many, many uninformed comments about my supposed need to get orthodonture. The truth is I had it as a teen and it failed. I'd need to have a tooth removed and months of braces to have the perfect mouth. At my age, 67, I'm not going there. I accept so much more about my little physical flaws at this age! I just want the parts to work~
all my life. and still not there, though i've come to realise that it is mostly about not having to look at how fundamentally worthless i feel under the things [ fat mostly ] that i feel worthless about. [ due to trauma] fat could be changeable, and has, i was anorexic when i was younger, but that fundamental worthlessness, or worse, badness, toxic ness can't. well, it can, i'm working on it with '' a course in miracles''. it just goes a lot deeper than body.
I have a big, red birthmark on my face. Laser surgery has been available since I was young. In the Army, doctors asked me about it all the time and a couple of them at Fort Hood invited me to have it removed. I never did. It seemed like a lot of pain and trouble for a stupid birthmark. But every so often, I'd get a hemangioma on it it that would bleed uncontrollably. Finally, at the age of 48, the problem got so bad that I went to the Department of Veterans Affairs to make the bleeding stop. They sent me to a civilian armed with a laser. I would need a few more treatments to make the birthmark disappear entirely, but it stopped bleeding, so I stopped pursuing treatment. Decades of kids making fun of my face were not enough to move me to do anything about it. I waited until there was blood pouring out of my face.
I felt this exact way about being female. I had hated my body and biology since I can first remember, but eventually, I tried to simultaneously bury it in my mind and accept that I was stuck with it. I had an argument once with my dad about a sexist comment he made, and I blurted out, “Well, I didn’t get to choose to be born female, and you didn’t choose to be born male!” and it completely startled him. He never made another sexist comment to me after that.
Then, the trans craze picked up, and two of my female friends started injecting testosterone and using male pronouns. I asked them questions, like “how do you know you’re a man on the inside?” and then “if those are your reasons, then I meet the criteria to be trans too.” They of course didn’t like that, and would tell me not to talk about it because it was too traumatic for them.
So, I started doubting again. Doubting that I could ever accept being female. I began obsessively hating my body, individual parts, and as a whole. I resented everyone for perceiving me as female. I got very wrapped up, even while I began to peak trans due to the logical fallacies and JKR’s essay.
However, the acceptance of my female body has still not recovered. It’s my outward appearance, all the way down to my internal reproductive organs. I still feel shame with my homosexuality when I’m around certain family members. I still wonder if I’m one of the “few people who would benefit” from living as the opposite sex, even though I will never do it. I don’t trust big pharma and medical workers for elective surgery, and I’m too short to pass for male anyway. But that thought persists anyway.
This is exactly what I was wondering about with the wide promotion of transition (and the parallels with wide promotion of other interventions). Like the whole world picking at one's scab. Is this something you might be open to talking about more?
I know all the logical reasons I should no longer be “gender dysphoric” but the thoughts persist. Yes, I would be open to talking more about it.
Do you want to email me and let me know what's the best way to talk? elizamondegreen@gmail.com
I am so sorry, can you email me again, just so I can find your email address? (Your message got lost in my inbox and no search queries are going to bring up less than thousands of results)
What a great topic, Eliza! So many thoughts... for my part, I've come a long way in accepting the aging process, now as a 60ish single woman (never married though had more than enough male lovers over the years, most of whom added to my insecurities about my looks -- that's another topic of course!) I figured out I had to stop looking in the mirror with critical eyes all the time, wow did I find faults, even at my youngest and "prettiest"! It was terrible. Starting around age 50 and menopause, I decided to no longer wear make-up, have been letting my hair go gray, etc., focusing on staying healthy (as another commenter mentioned). There is so much more to life, and I'm thankful that fact has sunken in at last. I think it's important for older women to show younger women an example of aging that is positive, not based on superficialities. And if you want to see real physical beauty, look at your cat's face, or your dog's, or at a bright red cardinal bird, etc. and they don't even realize how beautiful they are (well, maybe some male birds do... ;-)), which is part of why they are beautiful. Human "beauty" (of course babies are the exception to that in my opinion) pales in comparison. True beauty lies within -- it's not what you look like, it's what you do and how you treat others, including learning to love yourself -- and that's the truth! Love and best wishes to all here.❤️❤️
I have suffered two bariatric surgeries that have both essentially failed (one was the gastric band, the second was a revision to a gastric sleeve some 11-12 years later). I'm now on the O. This was always trying to treat an emotional problem with a physical intervention (mutilation), and a lot of it was tied up in a desire to for me not to be gay, hardly unlike the the trans phenomenon. I also developed transfer addictions when I was no longer able to consume as much food. I very much regret ever doing them. I'd be happy to talk to you further.
Fascinating question and there’s so much to explore with respect to ozempic. I say this as someone who has had (so far) a very positive experience. You might say that I always thought I was supposed to be a normally sized person, but wasn’t. And then medical science made it happen. There’s a pretty clear analogy. And yet, I don’t think it’s the same but it is hard to articulate why. Could rattle on about this for a long time…
I think people these days don't have enough respect for bodily integrity, and don't appreciate it until it's gone. I've heard this from some detransitioners who realised immediately on waking from their op that they'd made a mistake - to feel the shock of their breasts or genitals suddenly gone - replaced over the years by a craving for wholeness.
I identify with this feeling. 18 years ago I had laser eye surgery for simple (but extreme ~ 10 dioptre) short-sightedness. I didn't know - was not told at the time - that because I was so short-sighted, to prevent the laser from having to go too deep to get the right shape, they couldn't go wide enough. So ever since, my night vision is a mess because when by pupils dilate, they're also collecting a lot of light that can't be focussed. It's too risky to fix this problem - my corneas are too thin.
Being distressed about being stuck with this problem for life, I naturally joined support forums for others with post-Lasik complications - some much worse than mine. One comment that stuck with me was a guy saying when he now sees someone wearing thick-lensed glasses he feels pangs of envy and a longing to put the clock back and undo what he did. I could just so relate to that.
My main point is - you mess with your healthy body at your peril.
Cosmetic interventions are on a matrix - of invasiveness, reversibility, likelihood of complications, severity of complications, how bad the original problem is, and how distorted your body-image is.
It's a spectrum of "go for it" (like dying your hair), "worth it" (straightening your teeth), "hmm, be careful" (having a tattoo), to "what the hell are you doing" (like my eye surgery or "gender-affirming care").
Having said all that, I once saw a photo of a young woman who basically had no chin, who had her chin reconstructed. The "before" and "after" pictures showed total transformation to this girl's confidence. So *that* was worth it - occupying another part of that "should I do it" matrix.
I'd say always, always have that matrix in mind, go for the least invasive option, respect your body and your individuality, and remember "the perfect is the enemy of the good".
Not sure if you're still reading, Eliza, but I realise my piece on risk/benefit analysis doesn't really address your question.
It's about challenging false beliefs, having healthy self-acceptance, and embracing the thing that you think is bad or unfashionable. And realising that fighting something is counter-productive, and can even lead to a world of regret and pain.
In my case, I believed that no man would find me attractive as a wearer of thick spectacles, and that it was generally "uncool". And as an outdoor-lover, sometimes a bit impractical. It was a false belief, and I could have just accepted myself as a spectacle-wearer. Had fun choosing flattering frames, enjoyed the positive aspects like looking more intelligent, focussed on the positive aspects of my appearance, and waited out for better contact lens technology (contacts had been causing me pain). And tolerated the sometimes impractical moments, as they were minor. Much better than having a laser burn out permanently the front of my precious eyes.
Not having a very confident personality though, I found all this hard to do. But it is all about confidence.
Other examples: men who are going bald - these days the response is to embrace it and just shave their heads - so much better than silly comb-overs or invasive transplants. The belief that no woman would fancy a bald man is false - as long as they take this approach.
There's a recent trend for women going grey to just let it happen, and while I've not done that personally (yet), I admire women who do.
There's the example of Audrey Hepburn, who embraced being slim and boyish when having an hourglass figure was fashionable. Wouldn't it have been awful if she'd said "oh I wish I was like Marilyn Monroe" and got breast implants or "butt falsies" (or whatever they're called). She was beautiful as she was, and she knew it.
For young people who thing they are "trans" - just embrace the birth sex you are, and then have fun playing with your gender presentation. Buck those repressive expectations. Because all that stuff should be fun and liberating. How much better than allowing a surgeon to slice off your breasts, take hormones that give you the voice and hair pattern of a man, and that you can't undo when the novelty wears off. And for boys, losing your genitals - for ever.
I hope you can see a pattern here... that wholeness and acceptance are things that should be valued, but sometimes require a change of mindset.