This post puts a different—and much sadder—spin on the need for validation: "Can you guys pretend I did something really cool or interesting and make a comment about it using he/him pronouns to refer to me?" Does this kind of 'validation' help? I gotcha fam.
This really resonated for me. I’m a child psychotherapist and I see a fair few young trans identified people who are clearly in retreat from reality and want to insulate themselves from the harshness of the world. In doing so they never grow or overcome the challenges that make you into a rounded adult. It’s the main reason I think the trans issue holds such an important place in the cultural conversation at the moment. In essence it’s a clash between reality and a fantasy of what life ought to be, as expressed by fragile people who long for it to be different.
We absolutely shouldn’t lose the power of imagination in changing our world but we need to be clear about when we’re in denial because we can’t face the task of facing reality.
I read the Narnia books over and over as a child, and even at 15, still kinda believed I might find a secret world with talking animals. I had a favorite daydream that I had a bottle of magic transformative powder that I could sprinkle on and turn into something else.
I would daydream so much at school the entire room would melt away, I didn’t take in much of that the teacher was saying. I tried to stop daydreaming but it was impossible. I still have this problem, actually. I can be doing an errand and forget where I’m going when I’m driving, and end up somewhere else. I guess it’s not actually that I forget, it’s that I’m lost in my thoughts.
Yes I think a lot of these “trans” kids (as I did as a “trans” adult) will have that in common. Maybe that’s why they’re so mad at JK Rowling. She made the fantasy world many of them inhabit.
I remember saying things to my doctor like, “if you could transform me into an elephant, I would do that, but since being a man is the only option, that’ll do”. And they let me proceed!
I wonder, did you ever see the movie adaptation of Albee's "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" with Burton & Taylor?
Brilliant movie, stark interpersonal drama with a serious edge to it largely driven by the dichotomy between reality and illusion:
"According to Lawrence Kingsley, Albee’s characters create illusions to help them evade feelings of their own inadequacy—as 'George and Martha have evaded the ugliness of their marriage by taking refuge in illusion.' The play demonstrates 'how his characters must rid themselves of falsehood and return to the world in which they must live.' ..."
Don't think we're doing people any favours at all by pandering to their delusions or illusions.
One of the main threads or points of reference in my oldish essay -- "Reality and Illusion: Being vs Identifying As" -- largely on both feminism and transgenderism, each of which exhibits more than their fair share of both:
Jan 30, 2023·edited Jan 30, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen
This is so deeply sad. I have a really hard time engaging with trans-identified people who are female, partly because I relate to them so heavily, and because so many of my former tumblr mutuals have all slipped down this pipeline. And yet it never gave them access to any real power, and I don't think it ever will. They're just playing at maleness, playing at not being powerless.
ETA: I also survived high school (homeschool-high school, but w/e) and my parents' divorce by never once looking up from my Percy Jackson books, and survived undergrad in college by never looking up from my ASOIAF books.
Ah Interesting. Of late I had the cause to converse with my inner head due to some great forces in the real world causing me stress.
I have always been that person to enjoy my own company due mainly to narcolepsy which affects relationships to a degree so the pathways to my inner dream time are well worn.
Bed time, I buried my fore head in the pillows and seeing straight down to the core of the Earth allowed gravity to work and flood and pull on my hypothalamus.
Well rested and calm in the dream there I was in peaceful heavenly street-scrape with smiling folk passing by for what seemed like eternity with conversations and interactions lost to awakened consciousness. I humbly thanked my brain for the beautiful rest of my head in the dream time and nodded of to a deeper sleep.
Many years ago in a bar lounge back of the local theater some hours before the evenings entertainment I passed a guy at a table sitting back looking smart he said to me " my girlfriend is arriving can you stop by on your way to the bar and say high and kinda make out I'm a big shot? I just said no and thought deeply about that later, I concluded that sort of manipulation of reality is a lie and the envy that spurned it is the driver notwithstanding where all that could go or end up, possibly in the court of organized crime. Collusion is inclusion.
I'm sure the commenters who are indulging this person would say they're being "kind", just the way many who use pronouns would. But this seems like less an instance of being kind and moreso an example of placation -- doing something so the person doesn't get upset. What's not being acknowledged is that upset might be an important growth opportunity for this individual. It would cause a necessary confrontation with reality which would hopefully eventually lead them to adapt to it.
Eliza, I'm sorry to be aiming a criticism at you, but my intentions are honorable.
In many of your articles, like the previous one [from December] about Rowling and rapists in women's prisons, you launch right into your arguments without much introduction or explanation of the topic you are discussing. You also (as in this article) have a tendency jump back and forth between your voice (normal text) and the voices of others (italicized with sidebars). You may feel that your readers already know your style and understand what you are doing, and in many cases I am sure they do. But when you write like this, you may inadvertently be putting off readers who are not so familiar with the entire topic of trans overreach, and those are the people who need to be persuaded. When I write articles on my blog, I write them in such a way that the "uninitiated", so to speak, understand everything I'm saying. In other words, I try not to have any gaps in my story that might confuse someone new to the topic.
You are a very insightful and skilled writer, and I hate to think that your tendency to launch right into the meat of your arguments may be discouraging the very people you need to reach. I understand, of course, that writing every article with long introductory explanations aimed at new readers will slow you down and be tedious, but I think you should at least try to move a little in that direction.
I'm saying this now because I found myself a little confused as I read this article. Even I sometimes need more introductory information. I assume that this event you are describing occurred on social media, but it would have been helpful if you had set the scene for me.
What happened to teaching resilience and critical thinking regarding the reactions of those around you? I taught Pre-K, Kindergarten, first grade and all primary grades math intervention--every child learned about accepting a "failure" and learning from it, become stronger. As Dr. Debra Soh stated in an interview with Amala Ekpunobi, all science has been corrupted. There is no more politically neutral research conducted at this time.
I did the same thing as a kid - I became obsessed with historical fiction and retreated into idealised versions of other eras as an escape from the reality of my unhappy adolescence in the 1980s, including feeling strong connections to particular individuals who loved and died hundreds of years ago (I still sometimes do that - though the childhood fantasies of going back in time have given way to mentally constructing narratives of novels I wish existed or series I'd love to watch but will never write - as a respite from the stress of my real life. But I know it's not real, as I did then).
This poor girl's post is so sad. It's at least honest about the desperate need for validation but it's pathetic. She must know the comments she's getting are empty blandishments, with all the sincerity of an email scammer or shopping centre tout trying to sell you overpriced cosmetics (though I did like the "juggling chainsaws" one, that was slightly amusing).
This is a brilliant reflection, and I wish I had more time to respond to the final paragraph(s). But for now I just wanted to add something in relation to your beautifully-expressed insight that “trans identity can be a substitute for real-world accomplishments that are meaningful to oneself and others, that might provide an alternative—and more resilient—source of identity and meaning”.
Having just seen your Twitter thread responding to a comment on your interview with Benjamin Boyce, it strikes me that the statement just quoted might hold equally well of many cases of teenage anorexia. I certainly think it holds of mine.
Unfortunately OCD has often made living in my own head seem less an escape and more a grim duty, like standing watch. 😔
Having said that the lotus-eating thing is a temptation as well--great reference btw--and this post is incredibly sad. The compliments are so hollow I don’t see how they could help but make one feel worse. (Also... this seems like a very *feminine* request.)
This really resonated for me. I’m a child psychotherapist and I see a fair few young trans identified people who are clearly in retreat from reality and want to insulate themselves from the harshness of the world. In doing so they never grow or overcome the challenges that make you into a rounded adult. It’s the main reason I think the trans issue holds such an important place in the cultural conversation at the moment. In essence it’s a clash between reality and a fantasy of what life ought to be, as expressed by fragile people who long for it to be different.
We absolutely shouldn’t lose the power of imagination in changing our world but we need to be clear about when we’re in denial because we can’t face the task of facing reality.
I read the Narnia books over and over as a child, and even at 15, still kinda believed I might find a secret world with talking animals. I had a favorite daydream that I had a bottle of magic transformative powder that I could sprinkle on and turn into something else.
I would daydream so much at school the entire room would melt away, I didn’t take in much of that the teacher was saying. I tried to stop daydreaming but it was impossible. I still have this problem, actually. I can be doing an errand and forget where I’m going when I’m driving, and end up somewhere else. I guess it’s not actually that I forget, it’s that I’m lost in my thoughts.
Yes I think a lot of these “trans” kids (as I did as a “trans” adult) will have that in common. Maybe that’s why they’re so mad at JK Rowling. She made the fantasy world many of them inhabit.
I remember saying things to my doctor like, “if you could transform me into an elephant, I would do that, but since being a man is the only option, that’ll do”. And they let me proceed!
I wonder, did you ever see the movie adaptation of Albee's "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" with Burton & Taylor?
Brilliant movie, stark interpersonal drama with a serious edge to it largely driven by the dichotomy between reality and illusion:
"According to Lawrence Kingsley, Albee’s characters create illusions to help them evade feelings of their own inadequacy—as 'George and Martha have evaded the ugliness of their marriage by taking refuge in illusion.' The play demonstrates 'how his characters must rid themselves of falsehood and return to the world in which they must live.' ..."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who%27s_Afraid_of_Virginia_Woolf%3F#Reality_and_illusion
Don't think we're doing people any favours at all by pandering to their delusions or illusions.
One of the main threads or points of reference in my oldish essay -- "Reality and Illusion: Being vs Identifying As" -- largely on both feminism and transgenderism, each of which exhibits more than their fair share of both:
https://medium.com/@steersmann/reality-and-illusion-being-vs-identifying-as-77f9618b17c7
This is so deeply sad. I have a really hard time engaging with trans-identified people who are female, partly because I relate to them so heavily, and because so many of my former tumblr mutuals have all slipped down this pipeline. And yet it never gave them access to any real power, and I don't think it ever will. They're just playing at maleness, playing at not being powerless.
ETA: I also survived high school (homeschool-high school, but w/e) and my parents' divorce by never once looking up from my Percy Jackson books, and survived undergrad in college by never looking up from my ASOIAF books.
Ah Interesting. Of late I had the cause to converse with my inner head due to some great forces in the real world causing me stress.
I have always been that person to enjoy my own company due mainly to narcolepsy which affects relationships to a degree so the pathways to my inner dream time are well worn.
Bed time, I buried my fore head in the pillows and seeing straight down to the core of the Earth allowed gravity to work and flood and pull on my hypothalamus.
Well rested and calm in the dream there I was in peaceful heavenly street-scrape with smiling folk passing by for what seemed like eternity with conversations and interactions lost to awakened consciousness. I humbly thanked my brain for the beautiful rest of my head in the dream time and nodded of to a deeper sleep.
Many years ago in a bar lounge back of the local theater some hours before the evenings entertainment I passed a guy at a table sitting back looking smart he said to me " my girlfriend is arriving can you stop by on your way to the bar and say high and kinda make out I'm a big shot? I just said no and thought deeply about that later, I concluded that sort of manipulation of reality is a lie and the envy that spurned it is the driver notwithstanding where all that could go or end up, possibly in the court of organized crime. Collusion is inclusion.
Last sentence clumsy but you know what I mean 🙂
I'm sure the commenters who are indulging this person would say they're being "kind", just the way many who use pronouns would. But this seems like less an instance of being kind and moreso an example of placation -- doing something so the person doesn't get upset. What's not being acknowledged is that upset might be an important growth opportunity for this individual. It would cause a necessary confrontation with reality which would hopefully eventually lead them to adapt to it.
Eliza, I'm sorry to be aiming a criticism at you, but my intentions are honorable.
In many of your articles, like the previous one [from December] about Rowling and rapists in women's prisons, you launch right into your arguments without much introduction or explanation of the topic you are discussing. You also (as in this article) have a tendency jump back and forth between your voice (normal text) and the voices of others (italicized with sidebars). You may feel that your readers already know your style and understand what you are doing, and in many cases I am sure they do. But when you write like this, you may inadvertently be putting off readers who are not so familiar with the entire topic of trans overreach, and those are the people who need to be persuaded. When I write articles on my blog, I write them in such a way that the "uninitiated", so to speak, understand everything I'm saying. In other words, I try not to have any gaps in my story that might confuse someone new to the topic.
You are a very insightful and skilled writer, and I hate to think that your tendency to launch right into the meat of your arguments may be discouraging the very people you need to reach. I understand, of course, that writing every article with long introductory explanations aimed at new readers will slow you down and be tedious, but I think you should at least try to move a little in that direction.
I'm saying this now because I found myself a little confused as I read this article. Even I sometimes need more introductory information. I assume that this event you are describing occurred on social media, but it would have been helpful if you had set the scene for me.
What happened to teaching resilience and critical thinking regarding the reactions of those around you? I taught Pre-K, Kindergarten, first grade and all primary grades math intervention--every child learned about accepting a "failure" and learning from it, become stronger. As Dr. Debra Soh stated in an interview with Amala Ekpunobi, all science has been corrupted. There is no more politically neutral research conducted at this time.
I did the same thing as a kid - I became obsessed with historical fiction and retreated into idealised versions of other eras as an escape from the reality of my unhappy adolescence in the 1980s, including feeling strong connections to particular individuals who loved and died hundreds of years ago (I still sometimes do that - though the childhood fantasies of going back in time have given way to mentally constructing narratives of novels I wish existed or series I'd love to watch but will never write - as a respite from the stress of my real life. But I know it's not real, as I did then).
This poor girl's post is so sad. It's at least honest about the desperate need for validation but it's pathetic. She must know the comments she's getting are empty blandishments, with all the sincerity of an email scammer or shopping centre tout trying to sell you overpriced cosmetics (though I did like the "juggling chainsaws" one, that was slightly amusing).
This is a brilliant reflection, and I wish I had more time to respond to the final paragraph(s). But for now I just wanted to add something in relation to your beautifully-expressed insight that “trans identity can be a substitute for real-world accomplishments that are meaningful to oneself and others, that might provide an alternative—and more resilient—source of identity and meaning”.
Having just seen your Twitter thread responding to a comment on your interview with Benjamin Boyce, it strikes me that the statement just quoted might hold equally well of many cases of teenage anorexia. I certainly think it holds of mine.
Unfortunately OCD has often made living in my own head seem less an escape and more a grim duty, like standing watch. 😔
Having said that the lotus-eating thing is a temptation as well--great reference btw--and this post is incredibly sad. The compliments are so hollow I don’t see how they could help but make one feel worse. (Also... this seems like a very *feminine* request.)
I decided to delete this comment (about trans people going into porn), as no one seemed interested and it was off-topic.