43 Comments
Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

This piece really resonated with me. My 15 yo step-daughter identifies as Trans and to start with I used ‘he/him’ pronouns out of respect (in truth I avoid using pronouns wherever possible). But now I think I’ve done her a disservice. All the adults around her pretend she’s a boy and she has come to believe them. She’s autistic and vulnerable. I’m caught between upsetting her or propagating the lie. Sure, present as a boy but it’s not healthy for anyone to deny their biology. She refuses to look at any photo of herself from the last 15 years.

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Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

This (writing)is beautiful to me in its realness and because, for the first time someone was able to put into words what I have been going through (in my mind and heart) with a family friend whom I have known for many years. Thank you so much! 👏🏼🤌🏼

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Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

Eliza, this is beautiful, loving, real and true. To yourself and to your friends.

I respect you for grappling simultaneously with love for your friend and commitment to truth as you clearly see it. I admire you for so clearly articulating what others feel but can't put words to. I am grateful to you for bearing the burden and risks of doing so publicly.

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Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

Beautifully written piece, Eliza. I hope more people share their personal stories. "Strange silences spread fast." This did seem to happen quickly and silently. My first encounter with "genderism" was when my college-age daughter told me she was dating a lesbian who was a biological, intact male who identified as a lesbian about a year ago. That was the wake up call for me that there was something more insidious hiding behind the gender movement. We need to be brave and speak truth.

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Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

That is a touching post. I suspect that many public figures are not speaking out against TRAs, because a (often younger) family member is claiming to be trans or non-binary. For example, Geoff Barrow of UK 90s triphop band Portishead, has a teenage (ex)daughter who says she is a boy- so he backs them up now. I don't imagine he wants to trample over the rights of women, or lesbians/gays/bisexuals, or children (who deserve not to be medically abused). But he must feel he is being a good father, and acting out of love. Or somebody I know, who is supporting her teenage daughter (who has mental health issues) to try and present as a boy: this woman is not at all stupid, but she is in denial and has decided to ignore common-sense, trying to help. It's all a very sad human situation -and has been ruthlessly exploited by the forces driving this evil and toxic GI agenda.

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The last two paragraphs are a really nicely said summary of the dilemma. When a person sincerely believes they're trans, the only conclusion they really can take is either 1. They see me and see that I'm not trans, or 2. They don't see me. As long as #1 isn't an option, #2 is how they take it, which, if it was true, might be real grounds to feel hurt by a friend. My friend either can't or won't see me; I thought we were friends.

But as you say in the last paragraph "I thought that if I only understood, I could be a better friend...." That was how I ended my first article: I didn't/don't need to be affirmed, but understood. There will always be people who can't/won't understand me; I don't need everyone to understand me, but I can't do without having some understanding people in my life. But if I'm looking for affirmation, I could be affirmed all day and not notice that I'm never understood. After detransition part of my family got stuck on affirmation mode and years went by without them even wondering why I detransitioned; they just kept "affirming" that it would be okay if I wanted to transition again.

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Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

Two aspects to this:

1. We just saw Nancy Pelosi announce that she has a trans “niece”. This is a woman who wields tremendous power. Her “conversion” in order to maintain connection has very real consequences for the rest of us. This has become a state sanctioned religion and for those of us in blue states, it’s looking more and more likely that there will be penalties for not adhering — loss of parental rights and custody of our children, to begin with.

2. Those of us not consenting to medicalization of our trans-identified kids are being told that we’re causing them tremendous pain. Our kids hear these messages and believe them because they have been told that it’s not possible for someone to love and support you if they don’t agree with you on everything. The result is the flood of children estranging themselves from their loving parents.

The inability of grown adults (Pelosi and the Twidiots that quickly move to “You’re a lying Nazi,” among others) to understand this in a more nuanced way than our children is dumbfounding, depressing, and dangerous.

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Touching, poignant, and thoughtful. Thank you.

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Recently lost a friend of 40 years over this.

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Apr 19, 2023·edited Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

I did not come from a one-for-all-and-all-for-one family. If one of my siblings told me he was transitioning to the opposite sex, I would say, "That's your choice, but don't expect me to swallow all the bullshit ideas." Indeed, I would be front and center trying to disabuse him of those ideas. That's just the kind of family mine is.

I remember in the 1960's when my brother joined the national guard, he criticized my sister when he heard she was part of an anti-war demonstration. She made it clear to him that she wasn't going to change her views to please him.

Institutions are different. Being honest with a co-worker who is transitioning would be seen as disruptive and could result in your dismissal. Of course, if that person is also a friend, that would be a complication.

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"These strange silences spread fast" that's beautiful. The pain you describe is very raw and poignant.

"How could I continue to care about someone and yet refuse to play along?" This reminds me of the term "immersion in a fiction" from Kathleen Stock's book, Material Girls. It's in chapter six.

I revisited that chapter just now to pull some choice quotes that relate to your article, and about loving and supporting someone, but not believing:

1. A lot of this debate is about whether we should be collectively engaging in immersive fiction, or whether that should be an individual choice. "To tell yourself the film set of a thriller in LA is actually located in Shepperton can suddenly make the action seem mundane. For as long as you’re immersed, you’re consciously unaware of the fact that you don’t believe what you’re thinking about is true or real. This feature on its own can explain a lot about the public face of trans activism. Immersion can be individual, but it can also be collective"

2. Incisive and clarifying. "My hypothesis is that at least some of the time many trans and non-trans people alike are immersed in a fiction: the fiction that they themselves, or others around them, have literally changed sex (to become either the opposite sex or non-binary). Apart from general behavioural indications, this is suggested by evidence that in a private, anonymous context, it seems that a majority of people would deny gender identity made any difference to whether one is a man or a woman. In a 2018 Populus survey in the UK..."

3. Some trans people may even assume that everyone knows it's a fiction, and they're not really expecting anyone to believe they're a different sex. "Ordinary trans people aren’t deliberately trying to get people to believe falsehoods about their sex, just as actors onstage or in films aren’t deliberately trying to get people to believe falsehoods about who they are either. Though very different from each other in other ways, that’s what makes both actors and trans people different from undercover cops, who by definition are out to deceive others. To be immersed in a fiction is not to lie to or to deceive others. Language shouldn’t be forced into a binary of ‘truth’ versus ‘lies’; it’s potentially much richer than that. Some trans people enter immersively into a fiction on the assumption it will be implicitly understood by others as a fiction . Others do so with no particular thoughts about what others will believe or imagine, but only the understandable and immediate desire to find relief from feelings of dysphoria."

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Apr 19, 2023·edited Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

This is a frank and poetic observation, all the more evocative with the butterfly caught in the spider web. Those of us whose husbands, the fathers of our children, went down the cross-sex ideation path, are subject to extreme brainwashing. In my case, this extended to an arrogant, insulting and completely fallacious claim, by the diagnosing PhD "sexologist" that I "forced" my then husband to "decide to live full time as female" (her words) when I pursued this contested divorce. Correct--he contested the divorce. In the end, my grounds, emotional cruelty, described my treatment exactly. Both by him and his non-certified groomer therapist, and the PhD psychologist. They are very, very political. Consider the fact that the Nashville shooter's manifesto has not been released. I pose that she's likely to have been recruited and indoctrinated into her violent acts through the computer game known as Terfenstein 3D, designed by a man who ideates a female persona. The game itself promotes the "genocide" trope, and the protagonists are all escaping our capture, then finding weapons to chase us down and annihilate us. There is an extremist "Days of Vengeance" slice of this world, and more calls for the release of the Hale manifesto must be heard.

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It can be so heartbreaking to feel the distance between you and a loved one expand in this way. Our need for connection is as natural as our need for food and water and can be just as powerful.

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Apr 19, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

"emily steel" comes to mind. that's the pseudonym of the lady who got assaulted by a beardo half (1/3?) her age in NZ. apparently her kid(s) are now refusing to let her see her grandkids (presumably one of whom is "non-binary" or trans and triggered her interest in this ideology to begin with). so they've chosen the delusions of strangers over their own family. reminds me of patton oswalt throwing chappelle under the bus but more depressing.

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Beautiful.

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Apr 20, 2023Liked by Eliza Mondegreen

I am excommunicated by my son. I was given the trans test, which must be passed in order to prove my love, respect, acceptance and disavowal of bigoted transphobia. The part that really struck me was the element of the test: you must see me as a woman. Now even perception must be as prescribed?

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