Why does gender dysphoria get worse after you come out as trans and with every step toward transition?
Redditor asks r/FTMMen: “is it normal for dysphoria and mental health to get worse with time[?]”
so i used to be in denial about being trans. during that time i was actually more functional, productive and "happy" than now. for context i'm now in a limbo where i can't go on t (for the first time) for 2 years, and have ran out of ways to ease dysphoria. should i be worried?
i feel like my mental health is getting worse. in denial i was like a soulless automaton but i wasn't really that unhappy, save for the constant empty feeling in my chest. when i came out again, i felt euphoric for a while, but now, however, i feel like my bad days are getting worse.
is it "normal" to feel progressively worse? do i feel worse because of dysphoria? does it mean trans is not working out for me, shouldn't i feel better now that ive cut my hair, dress like a man, know the truth about myself? idk. i'm exhausted and want to go back in denial tbh, being trans is too difficult and painful. right now me looking like and living as a man feel like an impossible fever dream that'll never come true and i'm trying to convince myself that i can go back and live as a woman.
Here are some of the responses:
I definitely think its normal. Once you realize you’re trans, those coping mechanisms start to lose their purpose. I was convinced that I couldn’t be trans because I was “happy” before; I was physically pretty to strangers, I had a “good” relationship, and I was in a good place in life. But once I started questioning, it was like a downward spiral and I realized that my coping mechanisms were in full swing when I was “at my happiest”. During my “happiest” time, I was in full escapism dissociation mode any time I wasn’t actively engaging with another person, and I didn’t think it was a problem because I wasn’t actively depressed. Gender stuff can be so deep seeded and latent until given an opportunity to flourish, its wild what the human brain is capable of coping with. Its why some people don’t realize they’re trans until they’re 40, 50, 60+.
The months before top surgery my dysphoria became crippling and my mental health was absolute shit. Imo it could easily be a thing where more dysphoria = feeling less like you = bad times. You know who you are, you know the steps you wanna take, but you can't get there yet. That's how it was for me anyways. I didn't look like me, feel like me, hardly did anything, because of my body not feeling like mine.
Once ur not in hiding u feel worse. Ur going the right way, it just has to get worse before it gets better. Now that u understand what it is, now u will breakdown and then recover.
My dysphoria has gotten significantly awful since coming out over a year ago. I didn’t think I’d ever experienced dysphoria before I realized I was trans; I did, I just didn’t realize what it was at the time. But it’s so much worst now and honestly starting T really pushed a lot of those things even farther. I desperately need top surgery but there’s not a therapist around who’s not a year or more booked and I have been getting so overwhelmed at everything lately it’s starting to effect my work, which is the one thing depression has never fucked with for me before (since I’ve always been able to convince myself to do things since I need money to survive).
Another post laments that “it really is true that dysphoria gets worse the further along you are in your transition”:
Right when I came out to everybody at school I didn’t really struggle all that badly with dysphoria. I still had it, but it wasn’t a deliberating [debilitating] thing that constantly plagued me. Even misgendering and deadnaming was a lot easier for me to handle, and usually after it happened I’d definitely be hurt and numb for a while but it’d wear off quickly.
Well, I’ve now been out for my year. My dysphoria is just so much worse in basically every single way. I basically have dysphoria about every single aspect of my body now. I even have pretty bad bottom dysphoria now which I didn’t really experience much or at all before I came out irl. And holy shit is being misgendered and deadnamed so much worse to handle now. One of the worst things about my former job (that I quit a month and a half ago) was how often I was misgendered, and I couldnt do anything to correct customers especially since it happened so often. I tried to be numb to it but it happened so often to the point it just started to wear me down completely. And now basically whenever I’m misgendered I feel like completely melting down. Just today I had it happen to me twice with a teacher (who continued to misgender me even after I told her my pronouns were he/him) and I’ve felt like shit for the entire day bc of it.
It’s just awful how much worse the dysphoria gets the further you get into your transition. I really hope it doesn’t get even worse after I get on T this year.
I rambled a bit but yeah. Time for me to shower, go to bed, and hopefully not have a panic attack in the morning.
And then there’s this post about the “relatively common phenomenon” where ‘bottom dysphoria’ spikes after ‘top surgery’:
I'd heard before that more bottom dysphoria after top was a relatively common phenomenon. I'm just kind of disappointed because pre-top I didn't have much bottom dysphoria and I was convinced that I'd be happy the rest of my life with STPs [standard transition procedures]. I had vaguely considered phallo/meta as a kind of 'maybe sometime in the next 20 years' thing. Now out of the blue I'm starting to think I'm actually going to need phallo sooner.
This is how my top dysphoria started - I realised top surgery was a real and achievable thing, and within weeks the dysphoria started and got worse over time. I'm dreading having bottom dysphoria because it'll be at least 5ish years at least I reckon before I'd be able to get phallo and I don't want to start hating my body again just after I'm starting to like it.
… Yeah I guess I'm just disappointed that I'm actually not 'done' with my transition and there's probably going to be years more of dysphoria, stress, pain and money before I'm finally happy. I'm very happy with my top surgery results though so it's a partial win?
Like I said, this question comes up all the fucking time:
That’s very normal, same thing happened to me. Honestly, every step I’ve taken in transition has increased the gender dysphoria I felt towards anything about me that is even remotely tied to my agab. I’d say before I came out my chest dysphoria was about 2/10, after coming out but pre T was about a 6/10, now it’s a full on 10/10 and nearly unbearable.
like i feel as [if] my hatred and the dysphoria sky rocketed
Think about getting T all the time, can’t stand showers etc. Since getting a packer, can’t go out without it and feel like somethings missing without it. Am highly dependent on a binder. It’s really normal for it to get worse when you’re aware of it, or know how good it feels without it
It happened to me to which made me question my validity but I came to the conclusion that when I thought I was a girl I had shoved my gd to the back of my mind and tried so hard not to focus on it but when I figured out what I was experiencing I started hyper focusing on what exactly I felt and disliked
A possibly useful metaphor.
you get a new car, something you've never had before, an Alfa romeo.
Now you are familiar with Alfa romeos, you suddenly start seeing a lot more of them on the road. Did a whole lot of people get Alf romeos over night? No.
Now that you know what Alfa romeos are, you can more readily recognise them in a sea of cars.Now that you recognise Dyphoria for what it is, it sticks out to you amidst all your other emotions.
Its very normal and I went through the same thing.And from every indication I’ve seen online that’s very normal. You’ve been repressing this for very long. That dysphoria is just [years] in the making coming out all at once most likely.
Yes. I had no problem looking in the mirror before, but now I can't any more
Yep, mine got a lot worse when my egg cracked, I went from mild discomfort to "holy shit, why is my body like this?"
That's normal. I used to only be dysphoric about my chest, clothes and how I was addressed. After coming to terms with my identity, I started feeling dysphoric about my height, voice, hips, lack of facial hair and a bunch of other things.
Happens to most people I think, it's totally natural. Your dysphoria was always there, you're just more aware of it now because you identified the source of the pain, that makes it seem stronger
It happened to me too, especially because I was able to just not view my body as me before I accepted myself and now I see my body as me and I have so many issues about being too feminine. I actually really liked my body before figuring out [I’m] trans because I saw it as not me and I'm attracted to women and femininity. Which I find kind of weird aswell and I'm also kinda scared I'm faking it.
So before I came out as trans I definitely had dysphoria and it was definitely noticeable. I also noticed after coming out and presenting as male my dysphoria became horrible. Ive started to get bothered by things that didn't bother me before like the way I look in jeans or the size of my feet. Im constantly worried about looking like a girl and feeling like im not "man enough". Has anyone else experienced this ? Why is this happening ?
Yeah, it happened to me too. Another thing I noticed is that before packing, I didn't have any bottom dysphoria, but as soon as I started BOOM I couldn't go a day without my packer because of the crippling dysphoria lmao
Once I figured it out, no going back at all. My dysphoria got way worse
Same! It's been a year i realized I was trans and my dysphoria keeps getting stronger. I ignored my feminine features before that, now i cannot unsee them and I wondered how I could ignore them. I asked myself the same question, wondering if I was faking. I guess faking for a very long time isn't faking,..? On one hand i don't like feeling dysphoric, on the other hand, i guess it means I'm really trans and not faking so I'm happy ?!? (But I know dysphoria isn't necessary to be trans though)
Yeah same dude. I always hated my body but when I realized I was trans it amped up to 100
fuck, I only really started getting dysphoria after i realised i was trans. Before it was always just kind of like, 'I wish my boobs were smaller' or 'being a boy would be so much easier than being a girl' now its like 'I WILL FIGHT GOD FOR A PENIS THEN HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AFTER BECAUSE MY CHESTICLES MOVED A MILLIMETRE WHILE I WAS WALKING' so yeah OP thats perfectly normal
i mean, i didn’t have any dysphoria until after i started IDing as trans, so
I've gotten way more self conscious due to imposter syndrome and trying figure out how I relate to and express my real gender in an authentic way while questioning literally everything about transitioning.
Yes, my dysphoria got exceptionally worse once I started actually transitioning and being myself.
Yeah, I sort of feel like I have to act a certain way or people will judge me for "not being really male". I'm not sure if anyone actually does but it's an annoying feeling
Now that I'm considering and making changes, the things I don't like and the reason for them are more obvious in contrast and that makes it hit harder. I guess it's like the difference between getting slapped and getting stabbed :P
now that you know exactly what’s wrong you’re going to start noticing it more. I thought I was a “non-dysphoric femme nonbinary” for a few months and then a few things shifted into place and I realized there were a whole bunch of things I hated about myself that were dysphoria.
For me it was all this internalised transphobia... Before, I'd been dysphoric and hadn't really known why or what it was, but once I figured out I was male I was suddenly comparing myself to male standards, and realising all the ways I didn't reach them.
for one, you start to pay more attention to the dysphoria once you have a name for it and for another, you become more hyper aware of things associated with your agab. so even things that didn't make you dysphoric before, may now and the previous things are felt much stronger.
As soon as I started questioning, I started noticing all kinds of things that I'd been trying very hard not to before. Turns out I've been experiencing dysphoria for most if not all of my adult life. Whoops.
Seems to be a common experience, not that more dysphoria randomly appears, but we can start labeling things as dysphoria. I started realizing random little quirks about myself all stemmed from dysphoria and it was much stronger in my daily life.
That was my experience, only it was kicked up a notch when I started to transition. Each thing I worked on made it more apparent, hence stronger.
In other words, it’s “totally normal!” for gender dysphoria to get worse once someone comes out as transgender and to worsen with every step they take toward transition.
Online trans communities seem so supportive when you first come out as trans. They’re there for you when you’re struggling to ‘accept’ yourself. Comment sections overflow with affirmations. No feeling or preoccupation is too small to share. Maybe you’re worried that you’re too short, that you’ll never pass. Maybe you fear you might be faking it for attention. But the trans community is there for you: You’re valid, no matter what. You’ll pass (if you want to pass, but if you don’t want to pass, who needs to pass?). If you’re worried you might be faking it that’s a sure sign you’re definitely not faking it. If you’ve longed for confidants and understanding, you’ll think you found it.
But the trade-off for sharing your darkest 3AM thoughts and being bombarded with affirmations is that you get exposed to everybody else’s darkest 3AM thoughts, too: if you cut your hair too close to the skull, will you just look like a lesbian? How can you make your hands look more masculine? Is talking about your day too girly?
So alongside the love-bombing for which trans communities are notorious, these communities constantly drip-feed members new sources of anxiety and obsessive fixation.
The explanation for why gender dysphoria worsens when you realize you’re transgender runs through the accounts I’ve quoted above: negative rumination, fixating on gender, being indoctrinated into a whole bunch of new ways to feel ill at-ease with your body and social interactions… of course you feel worse. Bind your breasts and suddenly your hips will stand out. Read every social interaction through the lens of gender—am I passing? did I just get clocked? would a man talk with his hands the way I talk with my hands? are my friends just using my new pronouns to be polite?—and you’ll turn your life into a minefield.
Or, as Aaron Terrell put it:
So many of these are textbook cases of the negative mental health consequences of obsessive thinking and rumination. Why do mental health professionals forget everything they learned about basic human psychology (and child and adolescent development) as soon as the words “gender identity” are introduced? The burden on them is to prove how gender is exempt from all we know about human psychology and neurocognitive development, and not on everyone to accept this unique exception without question or evidence
Is a "packer" something that a trans man puts in his pants to make it look like he has a bulge? Just asking.
The amount of self-hatred these women have is absolutely staggering. As a gay man, I often wished I had better muscle definition and that I was better hung, but I never "hated" myself. I always knew that I could go to the gym or buy weights (and I did). As for my penis size, well, that was God-given so I had to accept it. So I had a couple things wrong with me, but not EVERYTHING was wrong. But if at some point I decided that I was actually a woman, then I would have had another twenty reasons to see myself as imperfect.
The peach has decided that it is really an apple; but because it still looks like a peach, it now feels that it is wrong in every single way, instead of just a few ways.
It's impossible not to conclude that these women have internalized society's misogyny to the point where they would simply rather not be women any more. But what they don't understand is that trying to pass as a man is FAR more difficult than trying to be the perfect woman. As a woman, she might feel that she is a little too fat, or that her breasts aren't perky enough. Once she decides that she is a man, she may feel relieved to put such negative feelings about herself aside; but as time passes, what becomes apparent is that as imperfect as she was as a woman, she is VASTLY more imperfect as a man. So naturally, the dysphoria grows stronger.
The talk about wanting bottom surgery ("phallo") is breathtakingly ignorant to me. Whatever the surgeon manages to give them in the way of a penis will just be cosmetic. What do they imagine will happen? Eventually they'll realize that their penises are nothing more than sausage-shaped hunks of fat and skin that don't look or feel like the real thing, and which won't satisfy any person who wants the real thing.
Packers, phallo, removing breasts, getting skin sausages sewn onto your crotch -- it is all about appearances, isn't it? Where is the substance in these people?