Seeking refuge in idiosyncratic sexual identities (and yaoi)
My latest Genspect post is a doozy.
Let’s talk about “gay trans guys”—formerly known as heterosexual females. Some self-identified “gay trans guys” apply the label“autoandrophilia” to their own experiences, a term that mirrors Ray Blanchard’s concept of “autogynephilia”—love of one’s self as a woman—and, like autogynephilia, is embraced by some trans and detrans community members, while being rejected as pathologizing by others.
In the subreddits r/ftm, r/ftmover30, and r/ftmmen, I frequently observed posters and commenters express concern about being perceived as female by (typically heterosexual) male partners.
Take this January 2023 post titled “I really need my partner to see me as male”:
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend a lot. But sometimes it just feels like he doesn’t really see me “as a guy”. As someone who doesn’t look super masculine I often have that problem with friends as well, but with my partner it hurts a lot more. Sometimes he’ll say something like “it’s every dudes dream to wake up and see their girl staring at them”, or things like that.
Also I know “pretty” and “beautiful” aren’t female specific but gosh I really wish he’d not say those two so often. I want to be like “hey, can you call me handsome instead of beautiful sometimes” but it’s just an odd conversation to bring up, not sure exactly how to do it.
Any thoughts on how to bring this up to him? I’m usually good at communicating stuff but with gender related things it’s a lot harder because I feel like he doesn’t quite understand or know what to say/how to help.”
Commenters warn that the original poster’s boyfriend ”still sees you as a woman right now, sorry. Straight guys don’t really care how you ‘identify’ and lots of them have a tomboy fetish, which is why they’ll date FTMs. How does he feel about you potentially being on T and starting to look unmistakably male?” Another responded:
“Sounds like your boyfriend is in denial about dating a man. He clearly hasn’t internalized that you are in fact a man and not just a masculine woman. I’m not saying he’s transphobic but he’s probably trying to “get past” you being a man because he likes you.
You need to confront him about how he misgenders you and the language he uses for you. But I can tell you right now from experience that deep down he probably doesn’t actually see you as your true gender and it’s probably not going to work in the long run
I’m really sorry. I’ve had to go through something like this myself and I think a lot of us have especially us gay guys. It sucks but it’s worth it to have people in your life who see you for who you really are”
Terminology picks scabs. The boyfriend’s sexual attraction to the original poster raises uncomfortable questions about his own orientation and self-identification. Some commenters refer to the boyfriend as heterosexual/straight (“Straight men aren’t attracted to men”) and warn the original poster that the boyfriend may lose interest as transition progresses. Another commenter observes that “there’s a certain set of straight cis men who take advantage of the potential low self-esteem of trans men to get easy p***y basically. They don’t see us as men and because (the majority of us) don’t have penises it’s still ‘straight’ in their eyes.” Another put it more simply: “Straight men say whatever you want to hear to get laid.”
Another commenter weighed in: “But why would a straight man date a man tho? Trans or not.. Why do we even accept that? As trans men, getting/staying in relationships with straight men, it doesn’t click.”
“Here’s what this looks like to me: for some adolescent and young adult heterosexual females, trans identification seems to be a response to deep discomfort with heterosexuality and what heterosexual relationships entail and imply.”
May I offer an additional possibility? The human brain did not evolve to consume and process high levels (ie, higher than anything that would be naturally encountered in the real world) of animated, highly stylized, unrealistic sexual content on devices and platforms only recently introduced to humanity and designed to exploit the dopamine system, all during a time of adolescents’ rapid brain changing and development, sexual development, and identity formation. How could this not cause confusion and anxiety in some people, especially young women who may already be prone to anxiety or sexual insecurity due to other personal or societal factors?
"I feel fine until I think about how I act and I feel like I’m way too feminine. I’m codependent, I’m childish, I’m needy, I’m clingy, I’m sensitive,"
That's internalized misogyny, plain and simple, as is this:
"a lot of women struggle being just like other girls. They see other women who are feminine and think “but I’m not like her! I’m different!”
Also, the direct line between fetishization and a trans identity: "I was fetishizing gay men, no turns out I just am a gay man" and "We’d write and trade yaoi/shounen ai fanfiction daily, draw and trade nsfw and fluff images daily, etc. I believe it had a lot to do with my personal gender confusion as a child".
Interesting that porn and romance are compared "It’s so hard to find porn and romance that isn’t completely degrading to women". I actually agree that both are unrealistic and degrading to women. These examples also illustrate the profound impact different types of media representations have on our sense of self and sexuality. This is where the idea "anything sexual is natural and inherent" is problematic. Our sexuality isn't immune to being shaped by our environment.
This article really highlights the way misogyny drives wedges between women ("I'm not like her") and between women and themselves. This is exactly what it's meant to do–divide and conquer. It also makes sense as to why I often hear detransitioners talk about how radical feminism was helpful for them -- it helps many women make sense out of their experiences (especially abuse, being constantly gaslit and demeaned) and helps them direct their ire toward something other than themselves (like demeaning portrayals of women and abusive behavior towards women).