Seeking refuge in an idiosyncratic sexual identity

In addition to the many lesbian and gay kids getting netted by this ideology, part of what's going on here—for a certain stripe of young trans-identified boy or girl—is a deep, deep discomfort with heterosexuality and what it entails and implies.

Take this recent post on r/gaytransguys, where a young ‘gay trans guy’ (also known as a heterosexual female) denounces an ex-boyfriend for not viewing himself as a gay man dating a gay man:

There's nothing. NOTHING I've seen that would lead me or anyone to believe he's anything but straight. He's painfully straight and I feel stupid as fuck for falling for his manipulation.

I should have left him the minute he misgen[d]ered me accidentally, I should have left him when I asked him if he saw me as man and he replied with a paragraph of how HE sees my gender but it's not female, I should have left him when he said I have female traits. I AM NOT A FEMALE. I DO NOT HAVE FEMALE TRAITS BECAUSE IM NOT A FEMALE.

The commenters sympathize:

Yeah a lot of straight men rebrand themselves as pan or bi disingenuously to sleep with pre T trans men or trans masc NBs while in reality making no distinction between cis women and trans men / trans mascs. We'd just be quirky tomboys they're attracted to that they humor the gender "delusions" of while misgendering their partners behind their back or "talking them out" of transitioning in the midst harmful iterations.

I'm glad you were able to stand up for yourself, takes guts. Everything will be fine, you'll soon find yourself a man who will actually respect you and your gender indentity, stay strong.

Don't blame yourself a lot of cis men do this to us and that's why if I date one I'd rather be with one that's honest and doesn't lie. He lied about caring about your gender when all he cared about was getting to stick his dick into pussy. That's his fault not yours. He's a predator and predators can be tricky

The part I hate most is that they think we're stupid. The whole I see you as you are or I'm so sorry for misgendering you then saying shit like well you have female features or I'd never date an actual man or misgendering you even though they never met you prior to transition. Plus just being bad about gendering trans people correctly or even saying they don't see gender then how do you affirm mine, sir.

I get so upset when i see this so inturn ive just gone on the offensive lol. Some dude thinks hes scored until im like “cool so get on your knees” and they realize things are about to be way gayer than they wanted. I love guys who think your a dipshit and you end up giving them an identity crisis and the realization it’s definitely not same as a female dominatrix or hooking up with a woman. Like you signed up for it! Im just doing my thing guy. Sorry your nervous but by the end of this your gonna know how to eat ass and take a dick. Whoops! Have fun with that information buddy.

I get pretty upset dudes target ftm dudes thinking its gonna be some sort of pornhub video. Straight up abusive. So I’m happy to pay it back.

This post (and community, and the entire of concept of ‘gay trans guys’) sounds crazy—and, just to be clear, it is—but there’s more going on here than meets the eye.

Some of what’s going on is older than dirt: there’s a tremendous and ineradicable inequality between women and men when it comes to the burdens of human sexuality and reproduction. That’s hard to accept, particularly for girls. It really is unfair. And we’re stuck with it, at least as long as we’re human.

As if that weren’t enough to freak out the girls (and more than a few boys), just add porn. Young people today are being sold an image of heterosexuality that is porn-addled to the core, all revolving around the idea that heterosexual contact is inherently exploitative and often degrading and violent.

Many of these kids find porn before they ever experience intimacy themselves. No wonder so many run from the real thing or seek refuge in idiosyncratic identities that they hope will exempt them from dynamics they want no part in. If the options presented to you are oppressor or oppressed,

That’s where ‘gay trans guys’ come in. These identities let kids and young people say: That's not who I am. That's not what I want. Don't treat me like that. Don't see me that way. Don't make me the woman (or man) in that kind of relationship!

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This might also explain some of what’s going on with highly feminine transmen/transmascs, who are looking for a way to say ‘I want to be feminine but don’t sexualize me’:

I cannot wait until the day when I am confident enough in my masculinity to wear fishnets and eyeliner again lol

YES I tell my girlfriend all the time that I want to wear heels, fishnets, make up, etc, I just dont want to do that until society perceives me as a man while I'm doing it

Also feminine =/= female =/= woman. Masculine women who are content with their assigned gender are still women. Your expression is feminine but not female unless you wanted people to perceive you as such, which you do not.

My whole reason for medically transitioning was so I could be as feminine as I wanted while still being perceived as a man or male-adjacent person. I haven't reached that point yet (doesn't help that I'm 5'3" either) but as my body changes more with testosterone (I'm one year and one month) I've been more comfortable wearing skirts and dresses out.

Can't wait to wear dresses again after top surgery.