"My body is a temple and I will decorate it to feel at home"

Jawlensky

Every single time trans-identified girls and women spell out what it means to be a “man,” they reveal more than they intend:

When I think of growing up into a man, I think of being in a body that doesn't distress me so much, being perceived as male, fatherhood, and more freedom to just be, I guess.

A mix of heartbreaking and fantastical motivations, in other words.

I feel really fortunate that at this point in my life I have some guy friends who are beautiful examples of wholesome masculinity. They are loving parents and community members who live peaceful, thoughtful lives.

It hasn't always been this way. I had a lot of fears surrounding transition because of my long experiences with terrible and abusive men.

Another commenter writes:

Masculinity to me is more like armor.

Others aren’t quite sure what masculinity means. They know what they don’t want, but are fuzzy on what they do want:

It's something I've had to invent for myself. I don't fit into a lot of traditional masculine images associated with the West and my family had this massive issue of toxic masculinity that kept getting passed down generationally. I saw first-hand the kinds of things my father was teaching my brother and the role women in my family were delegated to because of tradition and I concluded that I didn't want to be like that. I knew I wasn't a woman, but I also didn't want to be the kind of man who wasn't allowed to cry, or who made women feel afraid, or who was always in competition with other men.

Gender is so difficult to describe outside of the societal roles and images we assign them to. 'Man' and 'woman' stop having any meaning when you stop applying it. Being aroace (aromantic and asexual) has definitely had an impact on how I've had to work through this idea because so many definitions for gender are described using sex, marriage, domesticity, and child-bearing as the framework in the United States, which isn't something I can participate in. How can I define what it means for me to be a man if I don't match any of the roles assigned to it on a fundamental level?

The easy answer would be that I just want my body to have more male features. Medically transitioning was the biggest step for me and taking HRT immediately fulfilled the sense of emptiness I felt from dysphoria that simply changing up my presentation didn't do. I don't believe in promoting the idea that this is the only way to be a trans man or to find peace with one's identity or masculinity (that will only do more harm than good), but this is what has served me best and it's currently how I am defining my sense of manhood. My body is a temple and I will decorate it to feel at home.

She says she grew up with “toxic” gender roles that she didn’t want to be on either end of. She didn’t want to be like the men in her family who “made women feel afraid” and—though this goes unsaid—she didn’t want to be one of the fearful women either. Still, she struggles to define what it would mean to be a man given that she doesn’t “match any of the roles assigned to it on a fundamental level.” She “currently” “defin[es her] sense of manhood” by taking testosterone. She also twists words that might otherwise be used to argue against fucking with your endocrine system: “My body is a temple and I will decorate it to feel at home.”

What about the flip side? What’s so bad about being a woman?

Asked by my therapist to explain “what’s so bad about being a woman?”

And I did not really know how to articulate my thoughts on this beyond the obvious. I hate having periods and boobs and being seen as a woman. Even in my thirties there is this weird expectation that I’m gonna have a baby some day even though I am married to a woman and I hate that? I hate the way cis men approach me and assume because of these traits I am just gonna sleep with them also.

But also there are plenty of cis women who feel that way and I do not feel like that’s what makes me so sure I am trans. I did not know how to explain to her that it is a feeling I have always had. I can’t explain the feeling. I just know and have always known I’m not a girl.

Idk what would you guys have said? (Also I didn’t like the phrasing of that question on behalf of women everywhere. There is nothing bad about being a woman for women who are perfectly happy the way they are. It’s just not me.)

I’ll breakdown the top three themes in response, all of which shield the commenter from considering the origin of her feelings about her gender or the content of her beliefs about sex.

1. There’s nothing wrong with being a woman—I’m just not one:

The “right” answer might be “it’s fine for other people, just not for me,” but honestly these weird gotcha-type questions are red flags in my opinion. My first therapist was like this (asking me stuff like “what are things women do and what are things men do?” when I was raised with the understanding that there’s no difference) and in hindsight she was a big ol TERF.

I always find this questions strange. It is not about how being a woman is bad, it is about how I AM NOT. How can I answer this question when I don't experience being a woman?

"nothing, it's just not (for) me." I'm sure being a woman is quite alright, for women. Also hey, even cis women are allowed to get rid of the periods and the boobs if they don't do well with them. I think it's fair to expect your therapist to learn trans basics in their time, instead of yours.

That's a red flag of a question. I guess id say 'I don't know, since I've never been one. My experience is that of a man being treated as though he's a woman, and that's horrible'.

There’s nothing wrong with being a woman if you are one. There’s everything wrong with being expected/forced to be one when you’re not.

"There's nothing wrong with being a woman. I'm just not."

That should be more than you need to say, but the fact that your therapist asked the question in the first place makes me think they've their head up their ass. I'm sorry they asked you to justify yourself like this.

This is the answer. "Nothing. Women are awesome. I'm just not one."

The question comes out of this inherently transphobic idea that transitioning is okay only as a last resort solution to the desperation of hating yourself and your body. This whole framework has to be thrown out. We get to be trans without performing some sort of self-hatred ritual to be judged authentic or not by someone who will withhold their approval until they see that our misery is as deep as they think it should be. (and that's the friendly interpretation of this person's question -- the unfriendly interpretation is that they're a big-time TERF).

No, fuck that. You get to be who you are without anything being wrong with anyone.

“It’s just not me” is enough on it’s own, really any answer is valid. There’s no wrong answer for why you’re the gender you are. Your therapist’s job is to help you explore yourself, not interrogate you or put you in some power dynamic of making you have to validate your identity to them. Frankly them framing your transness as you seeing it as “it’s bad to be a woman” is a red flag to the point I’d consider confronting them, reporting them, and/or finding a new therapist. And, I’m saying this as a former therapist for what that’s worth.

Variation: A lot of things suck about being a woman and I’m just not one:

I usually give my list, and if they're a woman it's simple enough to say "I'm sure you can think of some of the downsides"

But to me they really aren't the issue, so I usually explain this. My body is the issue. And what I want/need is the issue.

Being a woman sucks, in So many ways. But women wishing men wouldn't look at their chests or who are fearful of being sexually harassed or harmed don't wish they had a man's chest. They wish those things wouldn't happen, maybe for a smaller less prominent female chest, or for nothing to be there at all. It took me way too many years to realize as a teen that when other girls complained about their curves or their chest size - what they wanted as a solution and what I wanted were totally different things. I don't want "not-a-female-chest" or "not-female" hips or not-female anything else. I want a Male chest, Male hips, etc. I assumed for years they Did want the same stuff as me, that if you wanted to avoid female things then you wanted to be male - that was the only binary option in my head because it is what I felt. And because so much was confused to me as normal - all girls hate their bodies, all girls struggle with self image, all girls rail against social norms for women, etc. Until it was spelled out for me when actually talking to some of my cis peers that what we wanted were completely different things - the driving force and the source of it was different, and the ideal outcome was vastly different.

Variation: I’m not a woman because I can’t relate to the reasons my husband wanted to transition:

Most women enjoy having boobs, that's one reason why my wife wanted to transition (she's a transfem). Think of it this way if you were born as a cis guy would you want to have boobs and the stuff you have now? I'm not talking about drag where you can take it on/off I'm talking permanent?

2. Nothing really means anything anyway:

Gender is a language as much as it’s a social construct anyways. There isn’t really anything specific about being a man, a woman, or anything in between. It’s all just a set of traits and things we associate with other things to communicate and describe our genders. It shouldn’t be a “put down” to anyone else just because we want to be associated with different traits and expressions of culture.

3. How dare the therapist ask something like that!

You are an adult. You absolutely can and should get up and walk out of places and on people who treat you like this. It is allowed and something you should do. Do not give this people legitimacy in their hate or prejudice. Leave and report.

As someone with a psych bachelors who hopes to become a therapist, a competent therapist would already be aware of gender dysphoria and wouldn't question the "logic" behind a client experiencing it. Gender dysphoria as a topic should be covered in every psych degree (in the US at least). I was even taught about it - in a very pro trans way - at a religious university.

… OP's therapist was coming from an angle that she absolutely shouldn't have been coming from, in my opinion. She was asking OP what's so bad about being a woman - which could only serve to cause more confusion in her client, not less. This line of questioning could even go so far as to make the client anxious, bc they could take it as the therapist insinuating that the client is misogynistic.

To me, it sounded like the therapist was questioning the entire logic behind BEING trans, not just questioning whether or not OP was trans. Which is what I meant when I said a good therapist won't question the logic (behind being trans as an identity).

Instead of "what's so bad about being a woman?", a more competent therapist would be asking something more like "can you recall one time recently when you consciously questioned your gender?". Bc that gets the client thinking about their experiences, it isn't too broad of a question to be confusing, and it doesn't risk the client assuming that they're being seen in a negative way. Once you establish some examples, the therapist can explore exactly why those examples made the client feel uncomfortable.

It probably sounds like I'm nitpicking. But it's an unfortunate truth that manipulation is easy if you know what you're doing. Positive manipulation is a therapist's job. So "simple" questions can be super loaded in the hands of a TERFy or just crappy therapist.

I think this is a red flag. I’m glad you came here to talk about it! If you can, I’d see about finding another therapist. This question tells you that your therapist fundamentally misunderstands what being trans means. This phrasing implies that to be a trans man/transmasc is to hate women and womanhood. For someone to imply that your identity can only exist out of a hatred towards women/womanhood, is a red flag and a dangerous perspective. It implies that trans men are only identifying that way bc they hate “being a woman.” It is also confrontational- making you feel like you have to choose between being trans and respecting/not hating women. It’s a false equivalency.

I would not trust this person with your most vulnerable feelings and thoughts, especially if you’re having trouble accepting yourself. Whether they’re aware of it or not, they hold some transphobic ideas or beliefs that they haven’t or won’t examine. This will inevitably ripple out into your treatment. Also, I’m sorry this was posed to you and I’m sorry if it made you feel like you had to defend transness as an experience. You are valid and deserve respect, not someone who pushes you to “prove yourself.” Sending love!

HUGE red flag, like a 6ft x 6ft bright red red flag. This therapist isn't going to be good for your transition irrelevant of how much they've helped you so far - they fundamentally obviously do not understand trans-ness

That therapist asked a weird and gross question and I’m worried. I hope you get a new one soon who actually understands what being trans even is. I can’t imagine having to teach my therapist how to help me or why I “don’t want to be the gender”

I had so many therapists who were like “why isn’t being gender fluid enough for you? You can still experience your masculine side.” And I’m like BECAUSE EVERYONE STILL SEES ME IN A WAY I DO NOT SEE MYSELF. I don’t know??? Isn’t that what a therapist is supposed to help me with? Why does this still feel like it’s not enough?