Leaving is the hardest part

David Hockney

Breaking up is hard to do—whether you’re breaking up with a partner, a cult, or a way of seeing the world:

Radfem "peaking" is working and I don't want it to. I'm terrified. Please help. I don't want to be transphobic even though I'm not really trans anymore.

I need help.

I have GAD (generalized anxiety) and very possibly OCD or paranoia, I've talked with my therapist about it and we don't know.

I've kept falling into the rabbit hole of terfs and radfems on Tumblr and I hate them, I really do. I hate how they hate me despite never having met me and I hate the awful things they say and I hate their bigotry. But I look at the posts, I see their unflattering pictures of trans women and the asks they get saying 'suck my girlcock' and there's this voice in the back of my head that says what if they're right?

I have to remind myself about all the trans people IRL that are kind that I love, I have to remind myself that they are happier this way. I am genderfluid but by TERF standards would fit the "destrans" label- I once very vehemently identified as a trans boy in my early teens but now am not quite as dysphoric. And a part of me that I don't like says TERFs were right all along. You felt pressured into staying trans and they were right about it. They were right that trans people just perpetuate stereotypes and that this all was a fad for privilege westerners.

I see the awful, hateful, carefully curated, unflattering picture they paint of trans people and I know logically it is hateful but I believe it inside. I find myself believing it and I need help because I HATE their bad faith accusations and their misogyny. But transness keeps making less and less sense to me and it seems weirder and weirder and more and more obnoxious EVEN THOUGH IT ISN'T TRUE. I have met so many kind and happy trans people and am even happier socially identifying as more "genderless" and yet these TERFs are so persuasive. I can't stop thinking about the allure of their ideology, day and night and in my dreams and when I wake and as I fall asleep.

I love trans people and I love the freedom of transness. I've been thinking critically and it seems okay for people to be trans, it seems to be logical. But the TERF in my brain keeps telling me no. Isn't it good to accept who you are instead of changing yourself? Aren't surgeries to change yourself bad? Aren't you just a white feminist who's misguided. You're just autistic and being taken advantage of.

But I know that voice was wrong, no matter how strong it is. I NEED to be reminded of trans men who act in good faith, who are kind and happy.

I always have to remind myself they act disgustingly and in bad faith but some of their points stick out to me and I don't want them to but the voice won't go away. It won't go away even if I know they're wrong. I don't want them to "peak" me and I don't want to become "pilled" and be hateful but it's tempting me. Please don't take this down for transphobia, I'm asking for help to help to not fall into transphobia.

While I know it's okay to be trans, as I said I possibly have OCD or paranoia so I have obsessive thoughts that it's actually a conspiracy and I need to be told otherwise.

Please remind me how that voice is wrong. Please prove that voice wrong. I know it's above your paygrade but the only thing I see in response to TERFs is 'suck my girlcock' and I need to be reminded that transness is about happiness and self-acceptance. I know transness is about happiness and self-acceptance but TERFs are making me horribly stressed and are convincing me otherwise.

She’s pleading: I need to believe that “transness is about happiness and self-acceptance.” Remind me why. Make me believe it.

But she doesn’t believe it anymore. Not really. Everything she’s supposed to believe “keeps making less and less sense.” Her faith is faltering, but the social imperative to believe hasn’t gone away. She’s in a tough spot:

I feel a lot of pressure to have a political or social opinion about EVERYTHING and if I don't I'm gonna be thrown in Social Justice Jail or something, so maybe I'll take a break from that until I'm mentally stable enough to form an actual opinion.

What do her fellow cult members advise?

This sounds like an OCD thing/ obsession. The reason why you’re so scared of these thoughts is because they’re ego dystonic. Remember rumination is a compulsion. Also if you’ve ever experienced trauma terfs will use it to try to “convert” you.

Yes, these thoughts are ego-dystonic. That’s why they’re so threatening. Rumination, meanwhile, is a good thing when you’re ruminating on what makes you trans but a bad thing when you’re ruminating on whether the whole thing is a circus.

I think it's also important to cut off the flow of content that triggers your anxiety. I think it would be a good idea to do whatever you can to stop viewing this content. If necessary, maybe take a break from some social media platforms if you have a hard time avoiding seeing this stuff. It's easy to get sucked in, and on a lot of platforms (like YouTube), the more you view the content the more the algorithm will show you that stuff (and sometimes more and more extreme iterations of it).

and

You are already doing an awesome job of going against your intrusive and obsessive thoughts. I have intrusive thoughts, and one of my therapists said that taking a second to stop and correct those thoughts can be helpful, but I'm no expert so I'm not sure if that will help you.

For now, perhaps you should take a break from the social media platforms that are exposing you to such things. You can also find some trans creators online to help you. I love watching Rowan Ellis and Jammidodger on youtube. Rowan Ellis is a queer creator, although I don't believe she is transgender, who makes video essays on queer subjects. Jammidodger is a trans guy who makes videos looking at trans/transphobic memes and is pretty wholesome.

For me right now, I have been interacting more with trans spaces because I needed to be immersed in trans vibes. Some years ago, I intentionally avoided social media because the amount of queerphobia made me depressed. Both these things helped me to feel better and heal.

Consuming lots of content that sucks you in is a bad thing when it’s TERF content and a good thing when it’s “trans vibes.”

The thing you are finding appealing is policing individuals about how they can view and interact with their body. It's actually the opposite of feminism. It doesn't matter if someone wants to snip off their tits or dick, it's their choice and their body. They have a right to retort with "suck my dick". It's the only argument they can give the other party seems suited to react to. They aren't going to pick to respond to the well thought out, politely worded phrases.

Moments like these come for everyone — you're at a crossroads, being exposed to a hateful group. Maybe they are charismatic (that's how Trump got his following, and many other controversial figures before him) and charming. But you understand and recognize they are hateful.

So remove yourself from it. This isn't an addiction, it's social media. Unfollow the twats and be done with it.

I don't mean this to be rude or insensitive to your feelings but you are in control of yourself and your ideologies. You can chose what you listen to and interact with. I personally avoid hateful & bigoted individuals. You seem to be avoiding taking responsibility for yourself in this regard. If you genuinely CANNOT control your own ideologies... get therapy, or some other form of help. It isn't GAD at that point and may be OCD.

Trans people have been around in many different cultures and are far older than most historians will lead you on to believe. They aren't a harmful group, and are instead constantly put into situations where they have to defend their very right to exist. Hands can hurt or help, so do yourself a favor. Chose to help. Don't give that hateful propaganda half a wink. It doesn't deserve it.

Don’t entertain “hateful & bigoted” ideologies.

This is an “OCD problem,” not an “ideology problem”:

Hi, this 100% sounds like an OCD obsession. I have "pure O" OCD (no or minimal compulsions) and once had the same thing happen.

You can see how your system responds when you try to defeat the TERF logic with sounder counter-logic. In my case, I found it wasn't the right approach for me... it was treating the obsession as an ideology problem when it was really an OCD problem, and it wound up feeding the "checking" cycle. The TERF stuff absolutely is cruel and tunnel-visioned and full of logical fallacies, but mental-health-wise, the important thing was that it was a stance my true self morally abhors, that my obsessional brain latched onto. "What if I become what I hate?" and "what if I can't trust myself?" are suuuuch common OCD obsession themes, and this hits both those.

It sounds like this is OCD driven. Have you tried talking to a MH professional about this specifically? … Ultimately I don't think right now is a good time for you to be attempting to decide how you feel about this. It seems like you're stuck in a thought spiral, and that it's hard for you to determine what's intrusive thoughts, what's rumination, and what you actually believe. It's okay to just separate yourself from this subject for a while until your symptoms are less of a pressing issue.

For me, the main thing is... even if they're right, and gender is inherently oppressive and we're all brainwashed and blah-di-blah... what precisely do they expect us to do about it? I don't enjoy having tits. I enjoy being called by a male name and seen as a guy. Am I supposed to just ignore things that make me happy in the name of "feminist praxis" or whatever? That's straight up stupid.

… "accept who you are instead of changing yourself"? "Who you are" is whatever your brain says. Your body is irrelevant (and how ironically unfeminist to imply that an AFAB body is "who you are.") As long as you're accepting what makes your brain comfortable, you're accepting who you are.

A trans-identified man lurking on the FTM sub weighs in (they just can’t seem to stay out):

At some point, when you've got a handle on this, it's probably worth thinking about why disgust directed specifically toward trans women is so effective as a gateway to transphobia. It's one of t/rfs' most significant tactics for a reason.

What keeps such a young person—with all her questions and doubts—in the fold?

• The explicit encouragement to treat an ideological problem as a mental health problem. According to the trans community, the problem is her obsessive/intrusive thoughts, not the fact that the ideology doesn’t make sense and can’t stand up to scrutiny.

• The way her questions and doubts have been pathologized by the trans community from the very beginning. Questions and doubts are a sign of internalized transphobia, which hurts you and hurts *other trans people* and which you have a responsibility to manage (quash).

• The belief that TERFs are hateful—and that TERFs hate her, personally (“I hate how they hate me despite never having met me”). In other words: phobia indoctrination works.

• The terror of being cast out of a community that may be one of very few places she has ever felt she belonged. She knows she'll be unpersoned if she leaves because she's seen it happen to others. Maybe she's participated in that unpersoning herself.

• The ability to manage cognitive dissonance socially, by seeking reassurance from a group of people who all share the same problem (the problem being: ‘this doesn’t make sense but I’m totally committed to it’). Proselytizing ('if I can convince newcomers to believe this, there must be something to it') and consorting only with other believers ('everybody believes this, so there must not be a problem') relieve dissonance.

• The redefinition of key concepts, like self-acceptance. Trying to reason from the facsimiles and surrogates you are offered won’t get you anywhere. Or, as @purplcabbage put it: “when words are a map and you have been using the wrong map for years, it's hard to recognize the actual terrain.”

• The suspicion of being spoken to in clear language, after years of experiencing mystical manipulation. She feels like she must be missing something because it makes sense. Building on that…

• The belief that TERFs use ‘dogwhistles’ and don’t say what we really mean. So she may agree with everything a TERF writes or says, but still fear she’s being duped because she don’t grasp the TERF’s insidious ‘secret meanings.’ The conviction that these ‘secret meanings’ exist means that she cannot evaluate the arguments for herself. She must turn back to the manipulative group for guidance. The manipulative group tells her she's being deceived. She's trapped.