How it begins: by ticking all the boxes.
I think I’m trans
I’m in my mid thirties so somewhat late to the party. When (and where) I grew up I didn’t have a frame of reference for my feelings so I’ve always just thought I was a gay woman who is insanely unhappy with her body.
The last time I remember feeling happy about my body was when I was about 8 years old. But then I started growing breasts and got hips, and I’ve never been happy since. I struggled with seriously disordered eating throughout my teens and early twenties, trying to starve my curves away. Fortunately, I’ve recovered from that now and instead only have a somewhat unhealthy gym obsession. I’ve also had a breast reduction.
Objectively I have an attractive body (as a woman…) and I can acknowledge that when I look in the mirror, yet all I want is to look like the men I see in the gym. I constantly get “misgendered” and… it makes me happy. A friend once saw me in a tighter shirt and went “oh wow there ARE curves” and he honestly couldn’t have said anything worse. I’ve also never liked the idea of being a butch lesbian but assumed it’s just a good old case of internalised homophobia.
With the increasing visibility of trans people, I’ve been wondering for the last few months (perhaps years) if I might be trans. I don’t have any trans friends and have only started reading about other peoples’ experiences and it all just seems to finally make sense. But - I worry. What if I go through the whole process of transitioning only to still feel unhappy with my body? It’s virtually been a lifetime since I’ve liked my body and felt comfortable in it, and I’m so used to feeling miserable about it regardless of what I do.
I don’t really know who to turn to hence I’m here. Is it normal to have these worries? Does it sound like I’m trans or does everyone just “know” for sure?
Edit: Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful responses. I feel immensely relieved knowing there’s such a supportive and understanding community out there. Your messages made me tear up with happiness. I will take some time and find a counsellor before deciding what to do next but I feel hopeful and happy!
Let’s name a few:
Butch lesbian (“I’ve also never liked the idea of being a butch lesbian but assumed it’s just a good old case of internalised homophobia.”)
Onset of distress at puberty (“The last time I remember feeling happy about my body was when I was about 8 years old. But then I started growing breasts and got hips, and I’ve never been happy since.”)
Uncomfortable being objectified (“A friend once saw me in a tighter shirt and went “oh wow there ARE curves” and he honestly couldn’t have said anything worse.”)
Body hatred and history of disordered eating, now supplanted by a “somewhat unhealthy gym obsession”
Led to question gender due to “increasing visibility of trans people,” recent ‘revelation’ of trans identity
But that revelation is accompanied by doubt, so seeks reassurance from a community where she’s not going to hear: no, you’re not trans (“Is it normal to have these worries? Does it sound like I’m trans or does everyone just “know” for sure?”)
No surprise, she’s in “good company here”: “These thoughts are very common kinds of experiences for trans/gender nonconforming people.”
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